Good morning! Woke up early, as usual today, feeling a little off from eating/drinking so much last night (not hung over, just not… perky, I suppose). No big. I don’t have to be at work till noon.
I just love lying in bed doing nothing. Really. It’s almost embarrassing how much I look forward to it. It’s like it give my brain and my body a rest, and since I live alone, no is judging, no one is watching, and no one is keeping track. I don’t feel guilty about my choices, and I let time slide by without judging it. Glorious.
The boy still hasn’t gotten back to me. I’m just confused. I’m trying really hard to just let it go, to not put my heart in his basket (what?), to not let myself get disappointed. It’s hard when he’s so confusing and I like him SO much. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt quite this way. I saw him almost a year ago and just… fell. Hard. And the closer it gets to reality, the more of myself is on the line. It’s like when you REALLY want a part at an audition, and you let yourself imagine getting it, and fixating on it, and if you don’t get it, all the buildup just drops and you crash and burn. I’ve gotten much better not letting myself feel that way at auditions, particularly because you really just can’t know.
(sidetrack: Case in Point. Last year, my school did a Shakespeare play and a “play with songs” in the spring semester. I grew up doing Shakespeare, and it’s well known around school that I’m pretty darn good with the Bard. It’s also known that I’m not really a singer… I can carry a tune, but no one would EVER cast me in a musical. So I auditioned for both shows. I prepped my Shakespeare audition with great care, but for my other audition, though I did prepare, I went in reading for the “friend” character, certain I wouldn’t get cast. I sang a children’s song in Spanish for my song, for God’s sake. I was called back for both shows, and was one of three girls to be called back for the title role in the “play with songs.” What?! At callbacks for the Shakespeare, I had the distinct feeling that no matter how good I was, it wasn’t going to be my play. I felt odd, and sad, and a little bit pissy. But then I went to my callback for the other show. I read with a few people a few different times. I had to sing again, a couple of times. And by the end of the evening, there was one boy and two girls left. Then the other girl was sent home. I read once more, and then the boy and I were released. In that moment, I knew I had gotten the part. I walked back to my dorm in a daze. This was not part of the plan, and I felt like there had to be some mistake. I called my parents and told them about it, saying I’d call back when the cast lists went up. I hung up, and my best friend walked into the room. As she was studying abroad in the spring, she couldn’t audition, so she was the reader in the “play with songs” audition. She asked me how callbacks went. I told her the whole story. Then she said, “B, I have something to tell you. Do you want me to tell you?” I laughed, and my heart seized up a little. “Yes, K, tell me. I want to know.” “You got the part.” she said. “You’re playing the lead. You walked into the room, and the director said, ‘that was our lead.'” I mean, what the hell?! I didn’t know how to react… I was disappointed kind of, but also thrilled, and confused but also amazed. I ended up playing the lead in that play, which was a major success. A tour-de-force, to quote a mentor. And I literally never ONCE thought it would happen.)
So, haha, the case in point was longer than my point. But the moral of the story is I’m trying not to plan, fantasize, hope, etc. I’m taking it one day at a time.
Urg. I don’t want to go to work. I kind of just want to lay here all day. I can’t wait to leave my job (2 weeks left!). I love the people and I do love the place and what I do, but it tends to be a triggering place, and I miss my weekends. I have all this time this semester, and I’m loving it so much I just want more.
Okay. Shower time. It’s been a day or so. And if I see the boy tonight then I better smell as fresh as possible (AFAP?)
“We are unusual and tragic and alive.”