I’ve never been easily diagnosable. Depression? Yeah?Manic episodes? Absolutely! Hearing some voices? It happened. Overwhelming anxiety? Yes ma’am! ED? Obviously!
I feel like I don’t have language for my feelings and my symptoms. I never have. When I talk to my therapist about my history, I don’t know how to address the time in my life from age 8-14ish when I was deep in it. See what I mean? “In it?” Do I say, “when I was younger?” Or “when I hadn’t yet found a medication?” “The ‘hard’ time?”
I feel the same way about the last year and a half, when I’ve struggled with my ED. I’ve been diagnosed as EDNOS, but it’s really hard for me to describe symptoms. A year ago, when I was underweight, and people began asking me about whether I was anorexic, I had no idea how to respond. I NEVER planned to lose weight, I never calorie counted, never weighed myself, really never considered myself anorexic. I still don’t think I was. It was EDNOS. I was restricting, to some extent subconsciously.
And then when the weight came back, and swung to the other end of the spectrum, and weigh more than I’ve ever weighed before, I don’t know how to say how. Yes, there was bingeing. Of course. But it was about more than that, and now I haven’t had a major binge like I used to, but my eating hasn’t normalized. How do I talk about that, and describe the parts of my eating that aren’t normal, but aren’t binges? Especially when I talk to my nutritionist. I find myself unable to describe how I eat to her, and thus I generally just omit the majority of the abnormality. I AM getting better, I can see it, but I’m certainly not perfect. But how exactly? There’s no language.
I find myself gravitating to blogs, books, and articles about EDs, depression, diets, mental illnesses, etc. when I’m feeling sort of “in the crucible.” But nothing quite fits with my experience. What does fit gives me comfort, especially the emotions of all of it (feeling lost, guilty, imperfect, etc), but it’s not helping me find my own words.
How do we find language for our feelings, especially when they are so stigmatized in society? (what I mean is that in the public perception, both EDs and mental illnesses tend to have a very incorrect, but powerful slant).
Sorry I’ve been a lame blogger, y’all!
“It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!”
(I’m not oblivious to pop culture… who is?)