Haters

Isn’t it horrible to look at yourself with hatred? To constantly wish to be something that you’re not?

I’m not fat. My BMI is normal, and I may be larger than I’ve been in the past, but I’m not fat. Yet, there is no moment in my life when I don’t feel fat and imperfect and less. I can’t stop it. I’d had minor body image issues before, but none very strong. I’d thought “oh, I wish my thighs were thinner” or  “I wish my chin didn’t have extra skin there” etc, but I’d never been so unhappy with myself. It doesn’t help that I’m in a business where weight matters, and the fact that I’m not super skinny is noticeable. I fear that my weight, which is a symptom, will be a deciding factor in how I’m hired after I graduate. I cannot do commercials or films at this weight. It’s terrible but true.

I hate hating when I fall behind in recovery. It feels as though I must start at ground zero again. I find myself jealous of people who are trying to gain weight, and I miss having the cushion of being so skinny that gaining weight is GOOD, not bad. Is that crazy? I hate wanting to change, of not loving myself for having the strength that I do have to recover.

I am so tired of hating myself. Particularly because I love myself in SO many ways and I’m so proud of myself for other things. Why can’t I just love my body? It makes me feel insane. I want to love, not hate, my body.

If anyone else reads this, PLEASE tell me your ideas for loving your body in recovery. How do I transfer my love for my soul, my mind, my heart, into love for my physical self?

In other news, I’m fine. Just leftover pissy from my period and a crap three days. Plus my whole family is here:

No, that’s literally where they are. The amount of jealous I am is so huge that I’m having a hard time talking to my mother. Basically, I’m successful at making my mother feel desperately guilty. Am I a bad person? Nah. I’m just jealous.

Alright, internet world. Now’s the time to hit me with all your good advice. I kinda need it.

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3 thoughts on “Haters

  1. I could have written this post myself! haha! Actually, if I looked through my archive im pretty sure i’d find one, or twenty, posts just like this!

    What things help me being happy with my body?
    1) wearing nice clothes I feel comfy in
    2) Having curvier role model (not looking at super skinny models in magazines)
    3) having friends that dont diet 24/7 and talk about their looks
    4) Affirmations.
    5) searching the internet for body-lovin inspiration! Theres many body lovin blogs out their 🙂

    Dana xxo

  2. Pingback: TwirlingGirl | All she has to do is exist.

  3. Pingback: TwirlingGirl | 13 Things I Learned in 2013

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