Isn’t it horrible to look at yourself with hatred? To constantly wish to be something that you’re not?
I’m not fat. My BMI is normal, and I may be larger than I’ve been in the past, but I’m not fat. Yet, there is no moment in my life when I don’t feel fat and imperfect and less. I can’t stop it. I’d had minor body image issues before, but none very strong. I’d thought “oh, I wish my thighs were thinner” or “I wish my chin didn’t have extra skin there” etc, but I’d never been so unhappy with myself. It doesn’t help that I’m in a business where weight matters, and the fact that I’m not super skinny is noticeable. I fear that my weight, which is a symptom, will be a deciding factor in how I’m hired after I graduate. I cannot do commercials or films at this weight. It’s terrible but true.
I hate hating when I fall behind in recovery. It feels as though I must start at ground zero again. I find myself jealous of people who are trying to gain weight, and I miss having the cushion of being so skinny that gaining weight is GOOD, not bad. Is that crazy? I hate wanting to change, of not loving myself for having the strength that I do have to recover.
I am so tired of hating myself. Particularly because I love myself in SO many ways and I’m so proud of myself for other things. Why can’t I just love my body? It makes me feel insane. I want to love, not hate, my body.
If anyone else reads this, PLEASE tell me your ideas for loving your body in recovery. How do I transfer my love for my soul, my mind, my heart, into love for my physical self?
In other news, I’m fine. Just leftover pissy from my period and a crap three days. Plus my whole family is here:
No, that’s literally where they are. The amount of jealous I am is so huge that I’m having a hard time talking to my mother. Basically, I’m successful at making my mother feel desperately guilty. Am I a bad person? Nah. I’m just jealous.
Alright, internet world. Now’s the time to hit me with all your good advice. I kinda need it.