Last night was kinda crappy with a bit of a binge. I was doing so well with bread, but I think I might have to take a break for a bit. It’s been a major trigger lately. No shame, just self-knowledge, yeah? As I was cleaning up the kitchen late last night, I did feel guilt, but I made a conscious effort to notice that the “binge” last night was, in scale and in intensity, way less powerful than they have been. I’m imperfect still, but the path my brain follows now is just so much more conscious, healthy, and clear. I don’t completely turn off anymore– I still participate in minor behaviors, but I don’t think the same way anymore. In my “past life,” before ED and recovery, I don’t think that would have been enough for me. I would have wanted to just CHANGE– everything fixed and better and under control instantaneously. Now I know that my recovery is not that. It can’t be. It’s a long, long, long process. The only part that is really devastating now is dealing with my body image. With such drastic fluctuations in weight, it is hard for me to feel happy. I have a weight in mind that I am dreaming of (and it’s healthy– not to fear– it was when I felt my best), but I can’t want that right now. I have to just focus on wanting health. You know that difference? I can’t focus on my body, I have to focus on my recovery. And THAT, my friends, is currently the hardest thing.
I woke up this morning in a better mood. I think part of it is that I have ZERO responsibilities today. There’s a part of me that is like, “Well, your friend wanted to hang out last night… you should come up with some fun way to go out with him today!” or “That boy you love wants to have tea! Text him something flirty!” But another part of my mind is saying– this weekend is a total gift for you. Listen to music. Watch movies. Read. Write your blog! Don’t stress about what this weekend can DO for you. Just breathe in the freedom (well, as much as you can with a clogged right nostril).
Speaking of clogged nostrils, this is not my usual cold. My traditional cold goes like this:
Day 1-2: Sore throat.
Days 3-4: Runny Nose
Days 5-6: Coughing.
P.S. How hilarious if all of these stock image women were the same person? Love it.
But THIS cold is the cumulative onslaught of various symptoms: Cough, stuffy nose, closing up throat, headache, tired, cranky. It’s not the worst cold I’ve ever had (I’m still thinking I’ll probably go to the gym for a bit today), but it’s not the greatest I’ve ever felt either.
Depending on how I feel tomorrow, I might head downtown and try to see this:
I’m desperate to see this show at NYTW. It’s co-directed by Alex Timbers (Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, which I loved) and Roger Rees (Mr. Shakespeare). Plus, the work that they are doing (esp. Alex Timbers) is very much in a similar world to a lot of the work my company wants to do.
Or I need to see this, which my good friend is in (plus TACT is a company that he wants to get me involved with, which ROCKS):
Well, I think maybs that’s it for today’s post… I’ll leave you with one epic image of one of my dogs at Christmas. It’s two of my favorite things– I’ll let you guess which.