I have no idea what’s going on.
1) This cold is like the stereotype of a cold. I sneeze constantly, cough till my voice is crumbly, make ridiculous elephant noises why I try (unsuccessfully) to blow my nose. I am making grunting, loud breathing noises. And it’s not getting any better. What?!
2) I had huge anxiety today about eating. It’s been a while since I’ve had that experience. I ate slightly more than I planned to (not a binge, just more intake than I wanted/needed/felt like), and felt self-conscious and fat the whole rest of the day. And I stressed out about what/when/even WHETHER to eat. I haven’t restricted in months! It’s crazy! And then I did my weekly grocery shop and bought totally safe foods except my challenge for the week– single serve hummus cups. My nutritionist challenged me to bring them in, and I FAILED. I had a great, wholesome, filling dinner, and then I just ate all the hummus. I almost couldn’t believe myself as I was doing it. And then, of course, I felt depressed. But lately I’ve been so good at forgiving myself (and, for a binge, it was FAR from the worst I’ve had), and I know that all the food I have left is super safe, but I got inordinately pissed and down. And then, NOT abnormally, I feel like a lumpy whale. How the shit is this fair.
3) I burned the middle finger of my left finger last night and now I have absolutely no feeling in the pad of that finger. It’s trippy and I can’t stop touching it.
4) I found myself REALLY angry at my best friend in Acting for the Camera class today. I come from an 8:30 class to that class at 11:15 with no break, so I usually get a snack (since I won’t eat again till 2:15pm). I came to class today with a Kind bar (my faves) and a green tea. She had a tupperware with trail mix and a bag of baby carrots for her snack. I watched as she ate a couple of bites of trail mix, then put it back in her bag. A few minutes later, she pulled out the carrots, ate a couple, then put it away. Repeat for the trail mix again. She didn’t finish either bag. I ate my granola bar in one go (this was one of those times today when I had to actually CHALLENGE myself not to restrict), and felt GUILTY. She was anorexic, but she’s also probably the most with me in my recovery. And then she took off her sweater to do her scene and her arms are GORGEOUS (she works out a shit-ton). In the scene, she did a good job, but like usual, she took the notes like the best little actor ever– “oh yeah, totally,” or “oh, I tried to do that, but I guess it didn’t work, I’ll try something else” or “you’re totally right!” or “yeah, that did feel weird and wrong, I agree.” Like really OVER-trying to take the notes. She’s so GOOD. And I am no longer that GOOD, and I don’t want to be. But yet, when I see her, it’s like I suddenly feel inadequate again, or like I just want to quiet that voice in myself so it’s hard to watch her EMBODY that voice. I don’t know how I lived with her for three years. Not that I don’t love her (I love her more than anyone else in the world, probably), but she is wildly triggering for me right now. It’s kind of terrible to feel that way about a best friend. I know she’d understand, but I kind of hate it.
5) I’m also starting to a little bit dislike the guy I work for. I mean, three and a half years later, I SUDDENLY realize he’s kind of a dick? I really like the “job” part of my job (grant-writing, check requesting, calling guest artists, scheduling, etc) but sometimes I feel like he treats me like I don’t know anything– constantly double checking my work and whatnot. It’s weird– maybe it’s only NOW bugging me because I really DO know what I’m doing? Who knows. Hopefully this too shall pass.
6) Blerg, I feel like shit.
7) Double blerg, I want that boy to take care of me. For some reason being sick like this with a really cute roll of toilet paper in my bed brings me back to my ex-boyfriend from high school. On Oscar night that year (a big night at my performing arts high school), he was really sick. It was also the day of some sort of sporting event (? how should I remember), and I went with a box of kleenex and hot tea and a blanket to his dorm, tucked him in in the common room couch, and sat with him for a couple of hours. That night, he was able to suck it up and dress up for the Oscars, even though I told him he didn’t have to. He regularly talked about that experience as a time I was a really good girlfriend. I regularly remind myself of that experience as proof that I can really love someone (and that I really did love him– and I did).
8) So… weird subject change… I’ve never really been a cutter. I’ve cut myself twice– once when I was nine or ten, and once this last summer. Neither were very major (fingertips with scissors and shaving razor on hips), and I stopped after a few cuts with the distinct knowledge in my head that I didn’t actually want to be doing this. But lately, I’ve kind of wished (worst word for this sentence) that I was a cutter. I’ve felt this need to sort of break myself open. Maybe this transition away from the binge/restrict cycle is what is doing it. It usually happens after an ED behavior… almost like if I could slice open my skin, the nasty feelings and self-consciousness and hate and disgust would drip out with the blood. Oh Jesus, I’d get sent to the principal’s office if I wrote that in a middle school notebook. But whatever, this is my blog and ***important note*** : I don’t plan to cut myself. I don’t want to. It’s just a passing feeling… I’m “passing strange.”
9) I tried to organize an impromptu trip to DC to see my sister this weekend, as she’s in town on a school trip. I was amazed that she was into the idea, but despite our finagling, it’s not going to happen. I also made the somewhat poor choice of getting my mother involved (she ended up trying to plan the whole thing), but the fact that my sister REALLY wanted to see me, and was willing to give up some of her trip to hang with ME felt… well, really goddamn good.
10) My clothes, which have been hanging to dry in my apartment for a good 36 hours, are not even close to dry. NONE of them. Is there no air here?
11) The first donation to our major fundraising campaign came in today (our HUGE email blast went out today), and it’s for $500!! I mean, come on, y’all, even for a company with a budget that’s about 15 times that, that’s not nothin’. WHOO!
12) The only appropriate word for how I feel right now is this:
What did women do before Liz Lemon? All right. Time to speak. Maybe everything will turn rightside up in the morning.
Another time I wished in a Liz Lemon world: