Boy, I have a lot to catch you up on, but for now, here’s an email I sent to my Mom this morning. I’m proud of myself for it… we’ll see whether it helps or hurts.
Hope that this Sunday morning is treating you well.
I’m feeling better this morning. I did want to express some things to you, though. I reached out to you on Friday because I missed you and was feeling sad. I’m sure it seemed pretty out of nowhere to you, and I imagine that you’re worried. I want to ask you not to be worried. My life is a series of ups and downs, like any normal person’s life. I know that in the past, my ups and downs, no matter the magnitude, have scared you because you fear they are indications that I am “not okay.” To be honest, that’s why I don’t generally tell you about any of these ups and downs. You hear from me when I’m feeling like nothing can go wrong. I do this because when I’m having a bad day, I’m afraid that if I share my feelings with you, you’ll worry; you’ll be afraid that something is neurologically wrong and that I’m “not okay.” Mom, I’m okay. I am allowed to have ups and downs, good days and bad days. Being “okay” is NOT feeling great all the time. The expectation that I feel from you is that to be happy is to be “okay” and that days when I feel depressed indicate that I’m “not okay.” I am a person that feels a lot, and often. That’s my way. Also, my feelings belong to me– you are no longer responsible for them. In a perfect world, I would just have your support, NOT your worry. I would want you to accept that some days are good and some days are bad for EVERYONE, myself included. I would want you to trust that I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself, but that sometimes I just feel sad, and sometimes I just miss being taken care of by my mom.
I love you,