so much, so deeply, all the time.

Um, this weekend was AMAZING. Let’s go.


9am: I wake up and the sun is shining. Perfection.

2pm: I was waiting for a dress for to be delivered by the FedEx guy, but it didn’t come. So goes life. I went to school.

2:30pm: Did a full run of the Showcase, with costumes, props, etc. It was smooth if not groundbreaking, fun if not magical.

6pm: Me, R, P, and N went to Grand Central to catch a train to CT. We hop on the MetroNorth, and our ride goes smoothly through to East Norwalk.

7:15pm: We’re picked up in our rental minivan  by J, G, and J’s mom, who drives us to a Chinese restaurant, where J’s dad and brother are waiting. They’ve bought Kendall Jackson, which they share, plus dumplings and peanut noodles. We all order food to share family-style. I ate Szechuan Tofu and Vegetable Lo Mein. It TOTALLY hit the spot.

9pm: We hop into the minivan, drop J’s parents off at their house, and drive to Westbrook, where the beach house is.

That’s why it’s good to live alone– you only have to cradle yourself.”

10pm: The beach house IS AMAZING. It’s right on the water, has huge windows looking out over the sea, and endless beds. We pop our stuff down, look around, and then fill up for round one of my requested drink– Tanqueray and Tonic (with limes, obvi). We talked about love, and sex, and theatre, and each other, and made jokes and cuddled and giggled, and finally collapsed into bed. The quotes were EPIC (they are interspersed in italics throughout).

“I can do ANYTHING in 140 characters.”


9am: I woke up before most everyone else, but after only about twenty minutes, J came downstairs into the room me, N, and G were sharing. We chatted for a while, then moved upstairs, and soon decided we were hungry.

11am: Denny’s for breakfast– totally classic. They had a whole menu called “Baconalia” with bacon-filled meals. It was unreal. I got coffee, and the Veggie Cheese Omelet. It was a perfect “drunch.” Afterwards, we headed briefly back to the beach house to pack up and go to Yale.

“25% laziness, 75% pasta = P.”

1pm: We arrive at Yale! I’ve never been, and obviously it’s unreal gorgeous. We are by far the LOUDEST people in miles. I successfully run into a tree, and “Dad” J gives us careful instructions to not embarrass him. We do okay. We meet up with C and his girlfriend, I (he’s directing the first show of our season, which we’re at Yale to see the “workshop” of– he was in our show last summer).He gave us a bit of a tour, and we marveled at the castles, the buttery, the gates, the spires, and the courtyards. We grabbed iced coffees, then headed over to the theatre where TPS would be performed.

“Naked parties are chill because everyone is drunk and everyone is naked.”

3pm: We chilled in the “buttery” (is that really REAL?) for a while, crashing from the exhaustion and lack of food. We laid out on couches, chatting, cuddling, massaging, playing ping pong, wondering “What do people who don’t do theatre talk about?”

“Why do you want me to fuck her?”
“Because she’s so your type!”
“What’s my type?”

4pm: We saw the show. It was SO GOOD. I mean, the performances weren’t perfect and the space was weird, but I just imagined how our production will be (with our cast, in our amazing space, and with funds) and I really felt strongly that it’s going to be fucking mindblowing. It’s a hilarious play, but also an unsettling one. It has just the right energy for our company, and we have a nearly perfect cast.

“J is the only person who cannot be in a room with himself.”

7pm: We were STARVING, so we hurried after C to get food. we went to this place where they had grinders. I got a veggie grinder, and had NO idea what it was going to be. What it turned out to be was an ENORMOUS sub with sauteed mushrooms, onions, peppers, broccoli, lettuce… who even knows. It might have been the most delicious thing I have EVER eaten. And I ate it ALL. We walked C back to the theatre, and then headed back to the minivan.

“We were totally doing the knee hover– I was sure it was a done deal.”

9pm: After a brief Stop n Shop (see what I did there?) for chips, salsa, tonic water, and, per my insistence, a birthday cake. When we got home, I pulled off my boots, plugged in my dead iPhone, and snuggled into the couch with G and R. After resting for about thirty minutes, I initiated the first round of G&Ts. The chats continued, the funnies started… and then the impressions of other people began. You put a room of theatre people together and they just love to ACT like each other.

“One month with P, three months with N, and your sister will definitely be a lesbian.”

The conversation then veered from our friends to… well, to PORN. We had an epic conversation about porn. I was amazed at how anti-porn the boys were! My friend R and I seemed to have seen more porn than they had! I videotaped this entire interaction. It’s epic.

“P and I need the bedroom with the closets.”
“Because we’re both in one.”

Then it was time for “drunchies.” The chips and salsa came out, the prosecco was popped, and I filmed as my friends brought out the brownie cheesecake (I KNOW). We devoured the cake with forks. It was a legitimate massacre.

“I might eat your pants off.”
“That’s okay.”

Then we started talking about drugs. And our pasts. And our family. And all this shit that I’m not sure any of us had EVER shared with each other. P and I talked about cutting. J and I bonded over taking Wellbutrin. N told us about losing her virginity on acid. J talked about dealing drugs, scars on his feet from shooting up. R and I talked about therapy. We all wondered how on earth our parents did it, and also how they could be so clueless about us now. To say what we said the next morning, “shit got real.” It was actually AMAZING.

“B’s life is peculiar but heartfelt.”

After this, shit got slightly less real, and I said, “So, I actually want to go swimming.” I think they thought that I had been saying this the whole trip as a joke, but I knew I’d get in that water. I am a water creature. P had said he’d do it with me, and R joined in too. Everyone else talked about how much they wanted Denny’s, and considered whether it was possible to drunk-drive there, and whether that was a good plan (the decision was that it was not a good plan). Then R said, “let’s do it naked.” P and I had planned to wear underwear, but you know how I roll– go big or go home. R, P and I stripped down and put on towels, then scurried down the hill to the beach. The idea was that on the count of three, we’d drop our towels, run in, then run out. I counted “ONE! TWO! THREE!” and we just went for it! Amazing. Just amazing. I have no idea how it was for R and P, because I was only focused on how happy I was to be in the water and with my friends. They hurried out, but I stayed crouched in the chilly saltwater, feeling that wonderful smooth weight of the sea on my body. They yelled at me to get out, laughing, calling me crazy, and as I pulled myself toward the shore on my hands, P lifted up a towel from the waves. It was MY TOWEL! I had accidentally thrown it into the ocean. I am a mess! P gave me his towel, like a gentleman, and held my soaking wet one over his crotch as we scurried back home. I told him to wait outside and I’d bring him a towel. I did.

“She’s the oil can to his tin man.”

After that, we rinsed our feet and got ready for bed. G and N snuggled in the queen downstairs, and I went down to my princess bed, while P soon joined me in the Scooby Doo bed right next to me. (did I ever tell you we used to date? He liked me a LOT and I was lonely so like, two years later, I said yes. Then about a month in I got tired of it and broke up with him. I think we’re on good terms). We giggled and wrestled and pillow fought like eight year olds. It was darling. I fell asleep with his hand on my back. Just the sweetest thing in the world.

“Unfortunately P has become one of my best friends.” 


10am: I wake up and go upstairs. I lay down on the couch in my pjs, and read a NYTimes magazine for a few minutes until P and N came from upstairs. I started to get pretty hungry, so I started cleaning u so that we could head off to Denny’s as soon as possible.

“I just vomit to make room for more alcohol.”

11am: We were off to Denny’s! I got the same thing. Afterwards, we took the minivan back to the beach house, cleaned up a bit, and and then headed with all of our stuff back towards the train station and back towards New York.

“I’ve got more princesses and love on my bed than you can even steal.”

3pm: We got on the train in South Norwalk after leaving the van in the parking garage for J’s parents to pick up. It was the best weekend EVER, and even though I left with few goodbyes (we had to split up on the train and I got off at Harlem-125 instead of Grand Central), I’m pretty sure that everyone else feels the same way. I don’t want to go back to real life. I just want to cuddle at the beach house with my best friends, drinking G&Ts, eating Veggie Cheese Omelets, seeing good theatre, singing in the minivan… I love that life.

“I just feel so much, so deeply, all the time.”


2 thoughts on “so much, so deeply, all the time.

  1. So this entry is super old. But you just followed my blog, and I have nothing to do, so I’m going to spend the next few days (whenever I have time) reading through your blog from the beginning! And yes, I could’ve commented on an earlier entry, but… this one really connected with me. In that I’m feeling nostalgic and missing my friends, and this entry basically sounds like the most perfect weekend I could ever imagine, and … yes. I like you. I think we could be friends if we didn’t live on opposite sides of the continent.
    Looking forward to reading more, and thanks for following!

    • Wow, hi!
      Thanks so much for coming by and checking out these ancient entries. I’ve been half-doing this blog for so long, I can’t even believe how much has changed in two years.
      I really look forward to reading your blog, too. I added you because I thought we might share some things, good and bad. 🙂
      Look forward to hearing more from you. 🙂

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