Help?

First of all, I feel really good about my work in Showcase in terms of my acting. I’m doing a really good job, I picked good scenes, and I’m showing my best self. But this format is making me incredibly self-conscious. I rarely, if ever, mention my body insecurities because it makes me feel weak—I spent most of my life unconcerned about how I looked, and all of a sudden I feel constantly fat? But in Showcase, I DO feel fat. If I had looked how I looked a year ago—super skinny and, yes, unhealthy—I feel like I’d be getting calls. I’d be more “commercial.” Looking how I look now is not going to cut it—I don’t have a very interesting face, and I’m not stick-thin. It feels really petty to me to be worrying about this, but that almost makes it worse…. Like I’m trying to pretend like I’ve never gained/lost weight even though everyone KNOWS I did. I am just constantly torturing myself for even FEELING fat, which is not even to touch how awful it feels to feel ugly. And with Showcase, it’s like without being amazingly attractive (like many of my peers), or a specific “type” where curvy is more appropriate, I just disappear. I’m putting on a happy face, but after the night is over and I go home, I lose all good feelings about my work and just feel fat, ugly, uninteresting, and completely forgettable. And that, then, makes me want to binge. Because it’s like if I binge then it won’t even matter because I’ll just KNOW I’m fat and a bad person and I won’t have to vacillate. Ridiculous.

Words of wisdom?

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One thought on “Help?

  1. Pingback: So Long, Farewell, 30 Rock « twirlinggirl

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