Obviously it’s been like, an eternity, since I last wrote. I’ve officially finished college, gotten my diploma, gave the salutatorian speech, and now I’m home in the West for a week before the summer “officially” begins. Parts of it are great, but I’m spending an inordinate amount of time feeling like SHIT.
1. My sister is gorgeous. Seriously, she’s a model. Size zero, 5’10,” olive skin, long legs, natural ringlets in her hair, plus she knows how to dress and how to do hair and makeup. I’m bad at those things. Next to her, I feel like a short, fat cow with uneven skin, a double chin, bad hair, and no style. I’ve always had jealously issues with my sister, but this break it’s focused primarily on looks. So in addition to feeling badly about my body, I feel like a shallow motherfucker.
2. We’re both graduating (she from high school today, me from college last week), so it’s like mirror images… except for some things. Those things being she’s GORGEOUS and I am not, people think she’s older than me which makes me feel unimportant, she has a boyfriend and I just joined OkCupid (FML), oh and I have a fucking eating disorder that is obvious to the entire world and she does not.
I CANNOT seem to get out of this mode of feeling like a fat, worthless whale. I hate being that girl. We both have the same dress from JCrew and mine’s a 4 and hers is a 0 and I almost started crying. We used to wear the same size (what I mean was that we both used to be size 4– when I was a size 0 she was more of a size 2? who knows).
And the icing on the cake is that today is day 3 at home, and my last day with her. She leaves for a music festival for FOUR nights. That means she arrives home on Tuesday. Our double grad party is Wednesday, and I leave Thursday morning. And she’s going to San Fran in the fall, so I have absolutely no idea when I’ll see her again. Years. And she doesn’t care.
I hate feeling worthless. My parents are caring and loving and wonderful (at the moment), but when she’s there I feel… FAT. and BAD.
Suggestions? Anyone have hot siblings/friends? This seems to be a reoccuring problem for me.
Also, I emailed ROAED about getting a mentor for my ED and they STILL haven’t emailed me back. I’m a little pissed. What if I was on my deathbed? Come on.