In high school (recall I went to a performing arts boarding high school?) I had a friend. We’d met a couple of summers before at camp, and we got on well, although I always felt as though she was cooler than I was. She was gorgeous in a really unique way, and was friends with the most popular kids at camp and at school (I was popular in my own way– not the obvious way).
She remained very popular at school, and though we were friends, we grew further and further apart. I always felt as though we shared some sort of deep connection, but our friendship was always missing that thing… that thing that takes her in deep and nestles her in your bones, that sticks in you like a nettle and you can always feel it there. I wanted that, but we never found it.
Our senior year of high school was pretty miserable (see below photo) in many ways, at least for me. I had a wonderful boyfriend, and I played a dream role, but the stress and emotional devastation of the college audition process broke me down. I believe it was the beginning of my eventual breakdown which led to my ED.
I know it’s a little loony-tunes to hate somebody that A) I’ve never met and B) is best friends with a girl that I never really was best friends with. But for many reasons, I have had the most powerful feelings of hatred toward this girl.
Check out this gross professional friendship photo:
I know that there are underlying things that make me rise from mere jealousy to venom. These are:
A. She was in the same summer festival I was, yet she was in the next tier up. Know why? Because she goes to a school with a big fatty name (I’ve never seen her act– I have actually heard exact opposite things) and I do not.
B. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME (despite all logic to the contrary, I still feel royally fucked by college acceptances)
C. She has that thing I always wanted with this girl– something deep which I yearned for and never achieved.
D. She has a pretty good career so far. Two films, including a Noah Baumbach movie, under her belt.
E. This one’s the kicker, and the one that really hurts: She’s gorgeous. And she’s very, very thing.
Has this ever happened to any of you before? It’s such a complicated thing that I can’t even bear to tease it all out. Why is it THIS friend, THIS friend of my friend, both of whom I am so jealous of?
Blerg. Well, anyway, I’m gonna try and be back for realz. Sorry about the epic summer-long break. Let’s see how this coming year of nothingness goes… GRADUATE. Eek.
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” –Kurt Vonnegut