Thigh Fires

SO SORE. I hadn’t taken a strength training class in a couple of weeks, having been home for a while. So Thursday’s morning class kicked my butt– I’m STILL sore. Ballet class yesterday sort of added flame to those burning thigh fires. I bought a five class card, so I have to go at least once a week for the next month. I am thrilled. I used to dance quite seriously, but after leaving my company for boarding school, then college, then life, I lost the consistency. But now– I want to proudly say I am a dancer!

I have been restricting a bit, though. I missed it– isn’t that sick? I’d much rather have the cold, controlled process of restricting than the chaos of bingeing. I’m trying to keep it un-extreme though… I don’t want to veer too far. And at least I know that I’m not quite eating enough. And I know it’s not sustainable. So soon, SOON, I hope to build back up into normalcy.

Two nights ago, I went to the first party of my former Theatre dept. Obviously I’m a graduate, but it was hosted by all my best friends, so I went for fun. It was a blast!… until ALL the freshman arrived. They enlisted us over-agers to buy them alcohol, which some people did (I didn’t). By the time my friends arrived back, I couldn’t do it anymore. Although I still work for the department and will be involved in these students’ lives, they have no reason to know me and I have no stake in their friendship. I felt out of place. Luckily, so did all of my other “geezer” friends, so we went down the street to a bar. It was pretty wonderful to sit drinking g&t’s with two of my very best friends.

THEN, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend (who I’d texted much earlier that day), who had just moved into my neighborhood. He wanted to have a drink. We literally haven’t spoken in two years, not for any reason other than negligence. So after I journeyed uptown to my apartment, he came over for tea. It was pleasant. He’s exactly the same. EXACTLY. So very emo. Very kind, but not quirky, not weird like me. I obviously care about him, but it was an odd match. At least now it would be. I probably won’t see him again for another two years, but I think that’s okay.

I do miss having a boyfriend, though, sort of. Maybe not. I like being alone. I like not having sex. My libido is shit, probably from anti-depressants and weird body things. I get irritable with close quarters. And yet… I want someone to fall in love with me. It’s unrealistic, and idealistic, and  a little embarrassing. Again, I think it’s okay.

September 11 in NYC. I don’t plan to go to Ground Zero, as I think it’s going to be a madhouse. I do hope to see the memorial sometime soon– it is very meaningful for me.

Are you guys more comfortable in relationships or single? Later!



One thought on “Thigh Fires

  1. Restriction, as muting and isolating as it can be, is nothing if not a familiar comfort.

    It’s wonderful that you’re getting back into ballet! I’ve been dying to do so since moving to the city, but a stress fracture that complicated into a tendon injury is STILL putting that on hold. I miss it intensely.

    I’m still to involved in the ED to have a relationship with anything else, as stupid as it sounds.

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