Thigh Fires

SO SORE. I hadn’t taken a strength training class in a couple of weeks, having been home for a while. So Thursday’s morning class kicked my butt– I’m STILL sore. Ballet class yesterday sort of added flame to those burning thigh fires. I bought a five class card, so I have to go at least once a week for the next month. I am thrilled. I used to dance quite seriously, but after leaving my company for boarding school, then college, then life, I lost the consistency. But now– I want to proudly say I am a dancer!

I have been restricting a bit, though. I missed it– isn’t that sick? I’d much rather have the cold, controlled process of restricting than the chaos of bingeing. I’m trying to keep it un-extreme though… I don’t want to veer too far. And at least I know that I’m not quite eating enough. And I know it’s not sustainable. So soon, SOON, I hope to build back up into normalcy.

Two nights ago, I went to the first party of my former Theatre dept. Obviously I’m a graduate, but it was hosted by all my best friends, so I went for fun. It was a blast!… until ALL the freshman arrived. They enlisted us over-agers to buy them alcohol, which some people did (I didn’t). By the time my friends arrived back, I couldn’t do it anymore. Although I still work for the department and will be involved in these students’ lives, they have no reason to know me and I have no stake in their friendship. I felt out of place. Luckily, so did all of my other “geezer” friends, so we went down the street to a bar. It was pretty wonderful to sit drinking g&t’s with two of my very best friends.

THEN, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend (who I’d texted much earlier that day), who had just moved into my neighborhood. He wanted to have a drink. We literally haven’t spoken in two years, not for any reason other than negligence. So after I journeyed uptown to my apartment, he came over for tea. It was pleasant. He’s exactly the same. EXACTLY. So very emo. Very kind, but not quirky, not weird like me. I obviously care about him, but it was an odd match. At least now it would be. I probably won’t see him again for another two years, but I think that’s okay.

I do miss having a boyfriend, though, sort of. Maybe not. I like being alone. I like not having sex. My libido is shit, probably from anti-depressants and weird body things. I get irritable with close quarters. And yet… I want someone to fall in love with me. It’s unrealistic, and idealistic, and  a little embarrassing. Again, I think it’s okay.

September 11 in NYC. I don’t plan to go to Ground Zero, as I think it’s going to be a madhouse. I do hope to see the memorial sometime soon– it is very meaningful for me.

Are you guys more comfortable in relationships or single? Later!

 

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One thought on “Thigh Fires

  1. Restriction, as muting and isolating as it can be, is nothing if not a familiar comfort.

    It’s wonderful that you’re getting back into ballet! I’ve been dying to do so since moving to the city, but a stress fracture that complicated into a tendon injury is STILL putting that on hold. I miss it intensely.

    I’m still to involved in the ED to have a relationship with anything else, as stupid as it sounds.

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