Sorry I’ve been MIA– I’ve been visiting my sister J at school in San Francisco. It’s actually gone better than I could have even suspected, but that’s a tale for another post. Now, on my way back to NYC, I’m just feeling a lot of feelings (no way! feelings? you?).
It’s a confusing feeling.
It’s certainly not that I want to stay in SF longer—I know that Julia is ready to move on and I’m ready to go back to being a somewhat nerdy homebody.
Perhaps part of it is not wanting to jump back in to “real life”—work and auditions and appointments and shows and the endless scheduling it all entails. And maybe a bit of it is going back to being alone primarily. Don’t get me wrong—I love to be alone—but unlike this sort of microcosm of a trip, where there’s only one person you ever have to please, or spend time with, or consult, in my solo life there are so many pieces I have to organize. I have to please my boss, and dress right and be on time for my ushering gigs, I have to negotiate the needs and schedules of my friends, I have only myself to make decisions. It’s hard to be stretched like that, in many directions with many things to think about. I’d never really thought about that before.
All I really want to do is have the airplane drop me off at my house in the West on the way back to the city, and to have a week where I only have to think about ME. Last night J and I saw a movie called 50/50 with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (my fake BF) and Seth Rogen about a guy who unexpectedly gets cancer—I actually really enjoyed it. Anyway, he is the ultimate example of “needing to be taken care of.” And I felt like a crazy person because it almost made ME want cancer because then at least I could be the first priority for people, so I’d have an excuse to say “I can’t” and have people bring me things and care for me and all that’s involved in that.
Obviously I don’t want to get cancer (OBVIOUSLY) but it was a very clear emotional reaction. I felt really pretty lonely and sad, actually. I almost wouldn’t even mind doing the caring. You know, maybe that’s it. Maybe I wish that people would NEED each other more. Or that we (and by we I mean I and the royal we) wouldn’t have to be so independent and self-sufficient; that we could fall and fail and there would always be someone there to guide us back.
All this to say, I’m coming back, and I’m feeling weird, and I’m definitely hiding inside myself hardcore in order to “get through” today. I’m burying it down because I know once I walk into my apartment I’ll feel somewhat better. I just need to make it through the rest of this unbelievably long day.