I’ve been gone for a bit for a few reasons… but a huge reason is because I’ve been working on a long, sad post about the death of my best bud/husband/sharer of my bed/my true companion– my yellow lab Bear.
So it’s been hard. Bear’s been around since I was about 10, so when he died last week, he was about 15 years old. That’s an old dog. He had a very special, very long, very full life. And he was really my confidante. So that entry will be to come. But I don’t even know where to begin with this wonderful doggy.
Over the last two days, I’ve been in Sparta, NJ filming this:
(I actually had a smaller part than I hoped, but whatev, it was a lot of fun).
I got turned down by an agency an old friend/the guy I was in love with since I was 8 years old who now is an actor in NYC’s agency because they are not even looking at any more “young white women.” FUCK YOU, PRIVLEDGE!
I received a number of late-night texts from a boy who I had stopped responding to, but for some reason I responded (it seemed innocuous enough), which led to him confessing how much he wanted to “fuck” me. Excellent. And not even really a self esteem boost because he kept talking about the “sexual chemistry” we had on a show I did a year and a half ago, when I was at my lowest weight. So it really just makes me feel uncomfortable.
The great news is that Saturday will be this with 3 of my “brownstone commune” besties:
(this photo/painting is ridiculous, but I had to– who WOULDN’T want to wear those outfits while apple-picking? Come on!)
And Sunday is training with Magis, and then dinner with my old theatre teacher from high school (i.e. that crazy performing arts boarding school in the tundra which I attended) and a bunch of alums who now live in the city. I will also do lunch with him on Tuesday and lead him around my school Monday.
Also Monday I have– get this– a singing/dancing audition for this:
(I am not a singer/dancer. I would never go except that they personally invited me. I am in horror. I am banking on not getting cast– I just want to show up with a good attitude and say hello. Jesus Christ.)
Thursday I audition for a production of this:
(Although the production I’m auditioning for will be in Colorado, not on Broadway, and will not feature Christopher Walken, Anthony Mackie, Zoe Kazan, and Sam Rockwell)
And I will unfortunately not be auditioning for the world tour of this, as there are no female parts except 2 30-40yr olds and an 8-12yr old. Blerg:
I have rescheduled appointments with both my therapist and nutritionist, a 4-5 day work-week, not one, not two, but THREE shows to see, oh and trying to be recovered from an eating disorder which hasn’t been going so well recently.
BUT the biggest, best, most exciting thing is that on Tuesday, I begin rehearsals for THIS:
(I guess this is the moment when I finally reveal my face, as currently it is the advertising for ALL of our press)
I’m a little bit dying.
So bear with me as I dive into some real life stuff. I’m still reading and listening and hopefully posting… I need it. Especially because I haven’t been so good with the emotional eating/not eating EDNOS shit lately. Just keep me honest, y’all, keep me honest.
Sending love and thoughts into the world. Shoot them back my way as I attempt to embark on “real life,” as they call it.
Reading The Bell Jar for the first time (I know! How?!).
“There are times when a feeling of expectancy comes to me, as if something is there, beneath the surface of my understanding, waiting for me to grasp it. It is the same tantalizing sensation when you almost remember a name, but don’t quite reach it. I can feel it when I think of human beings, of the hints of evolution suggested by the removal of wisdom teeth, the narrowing of the jaw no longer needed to chew such roughage as it was accustomed to; the gradual disappearance of hair from the human body; the adjustment of the human eye to the fine print, the swift, colored motion of the twentieth century. The feeling comes, vague and nebulous, when I consider the prolonged adolesence of our species; the rites of birth, marriage and death; all the primitive, barbaric ceremonies streamlined to modern times. Almost, I think, the unreasoning, bestial purity was best. Oh, something is there, waiting for me. Perhaps someday the revelation will burst in upon me and I will see the other side of this monumental grotesque joke. And then I’ll laugh. And then I’ll know what life is.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath