Well, one can dream.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen…

How was your week? For some reason mine was less crazy than I thought it would be… though of course I filled in the free moments of rest with bingeing and starving and freaking out about my body, making me MORE exhausted than if I’d been at work or auditioning.

I’m pretty pissed with myself, having engaged in ED behaviors probably every day for the last week. It’s not a good record. I’m trying to be compassionate with myself, but the food stuff so deeply affects my life, it’s unreal. I’m not one of those people that can just set aside the emotional and physical shit that comes up with ED symptoms, and just BE. There’s a part of me that thinks it’s good that it feels so awful– at least I know that I don’t want to be doing it.

What I want to do is really focus on listening to that voice I hear when I want to engage in ED symptoms. I need to stop thinking quick fixes and self-hatred, and just taking food/eating moment-by-moment. No planning, no anxiety. Feed the hunger, not the feelings. Easier said than done, of course, πŸ™‚ but that’s the dream.

Tomorrow is our photo shoot for the publicity photos for the show I’m working on. The setup is that my character (a young actress going through an emotional/artistic crisis) sitting on the subway, while behind her is the advertisement for the sitcom she’s in (see Big Bang Theory poster). It should look really cool, and we have a great photographer, but getting pictures taken of me makes me highly anxious. I just want to cover myself fully up so no one can judge my body or see what it actually looks like. I feel enormously self-conscious when I’m supposed to look “good,” you know? It’s probably not the ideal way to be ending this week. Ah well… the life of an actor. πŸ™‚

To prep for the show, I’ve been watching a lot of sitcoms, many of which are BAD. The one we do in the play is a traditional 3-camera sitcom, with a laugh track, most like Friends, Seinfeld, How I Met Your Mother, Whitney, Big Bang Theory, etc. What’s your favorite sitcom?

Till later. Hope everyone’s doing well.

B.

β€œThere comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
― Tennessee Williams

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