As those of you who frequently read my posts know, I have some great friends. However, I am also wildly self-conscious about my ability to have, maintain, make, and foster friendships (don’t even get me onto relationships).
Tonight, I texted my good friend P with a silly quippy thing about how “this was fun and all but when can I come back to NY?” He responded by asking me if I’d be back by the 2nd. I responded no, that we were taking my grandma to her rental in Florida on Jan 3, and would be staying with her till early on Jan 8, when I’d return to the city.
TURNS OUT, he was planning a long-awaited journey to his family’s beach house for a 4 day weekend of debauchery, friendship, and the great Virginia wild with our best friends, J, R, G, and of course, me. And it has been planned for Jan 2-7. LITERALLY the middle of my months-planned-in-advance trip to FL with my family.
I know my anger at him is irrational, because he didn’t purposefully plan a trip I couldn’t take. But I am mad. Really mad. Because it doesn’t seem fair. And my anxiety just shoots up when I’m not with my groups of friends… I fear they’ll forget me, that they’ll develop special bonds with each other that I don’t share, that they’ll have so much fun together they’ll have no interest in keeping me part of their circle.
I am always the fifth wheel. The odd one out. The one who really needs to go home and be alone for a second, who can’t date because dealing with her own shit takes up her whole life, who isn’t the pretty one or the funny one or the one in a relationship… I’m the one who just feels like the “other” one.
I know it’s irrational. But I don’t want them to go. I don’t want to be left outside the fold for a trip like that. I don’t want to have my level of friendship demoted because I didn’t get to do the big fun bonding trip. I JUST WANT TO BE INDISPENSABLE TO MY FRIENDS. And I have great fears that I’m not, and I won’t be.
This fucking sucks.
Merry Christmas, though.
P.S. And of course simultaneously the “sexter” is texting me. Innocuous actually, but reminds me once again that no one ever wants to get too close.
P.P.S. Check out my updated “Recovery Tools” page. A couple of cool new things.
“Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
But I know I’m a mess he don’t want to clean up
I’ve got to fold ’cause my hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starving works
When it costs too much to love.”
–“Paper Bag,” Fiona Apple (not about ED)