I feel empty today.
After such a lovely evening last night with D (the “high school boyfriend”), I got up in the morning feeling a bit all over the place. Although I managed to shower and get up at really appropriate time, I somehow managed to forget to even grab a banana. I stopped to get something at Starbucks on the way to the chiropractor, but they didn’t have what I wanted, so I said, fuck it, and went to the chiropractor. By ten till noon, my chiropractor released me to run down the block to my therapist. I knew I should eat something, since my stomach was grumbling, so I grabbed a small falafel sandwich, stuffed it down, and ran to therapy. It was a good session… we delved deeply into body sensation, which is fucking hard and tends to unearth some really deep shit, exactly like when you use a plunger in a clogged toilet.
As I walked to the train to head home, I could feel myself disconnecting in that way that sadness does to me, like walking in a tunnel, alone and scared. I got home, washed dishes, and lay down. I just wanted to stay there and feel or not feel.
But I had to go rehearse my Romeo and Juliet scene down at school. I dragged myself there, listening to Florence + the Machine, willing it to be over. The rehearsal went fine, I got a new ID (lost my alumni ID on Monday), and ran into G, who I’d texted about getting coffee today. She had a final today, so she couldn’t make it. Oh. No worries. Well, good thing I ran into her because I’d never have known.
I cried throughout therapy today about my friends. The body sensation stuff was about good feelings.
Why is everything hurting today?
I wish D didn’t leave, because last night was one of the first times in a long time I’ve felt at ease in myself. I liked being special enough to spend time with—one of two people he saw on his visit.
I wish I didn’t have to re-live the horror story of Showcase a second time, watching people continue to book auditions and get agents instantaneously after Showcase while I’m still mired in fat, blonde girl hell.
I wish I didn’t feel like an extra appendage in my company.
I wish I didn’t fill the empty sadness I’m feeling with food.
I wish I felt like “enough” all the time, and I wish I had someone besides my therapist to tell me that.
I wish I felt like I mattered.
I wish I didn’t care what other people did and I wish I didn’t compare myself to them.
I wish I could blame this feeling on anything but myself, but here I am.
What I want is someone to text me to say how important I am to them and how they miss me. I am so scared of disappearing and coming back to NYC and having no one, of being sealed out of the life I thought I had ownership over.
I wish I wasn’t the kind of person who needed to be reaffirmed as being a good friend, a funny person, a worthy companion. But I DO need that. I am a NEEDY friend.
I don’t trust people. I don’t trust that I’m important enough to be maintained as important. I’m afraid I will disappear and lose everyone and everything I was so proud I had.
I don’t believe I’m loved enough to not be left behind.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.”
― Mary Oliver