I made a mistake.
I told him that if he came, he could stay with me.
In no uncertain terms, I implied that if he came, I would sleep with him.
I don’t want to sleep with him, especially in this tiny twin bed in this mansion on a floor with five other people.
I thought he wouldn’t come. In fact, I knew he wouldn’t come just to support me. So why I thought it was a good idea to ply him with an offer to stay with me is just idiotic.
I don’t want to sleep with him. Not like this.
How do I get out of it? I have been accused of blue-balling before because I have a very hard time saying no thanks. But sometimes I don’t know until the last second and I know that’s bullshit but shouldn’t I be allowed to choose?
What do I do? He wouldn’t come until after July 8. I can’t just say “I changed my mind,” even though that’s the truth, and that’s what I want to say. Do I lie and say we can only have one guest at a time in the house and unfortunately someone else got priority?
I should have left this alone. I was doing well. But I think in my heart I just really want someone to fall in love with me and want to be with me and see my show. I so deeply fear that none of my friends will come out.
And if that happens… well, were they even my friends in the first place? Especially knowing how important it is to me.
But promising sex in order to get someone to come out to see a show they should want to see anyway because I’m in it and it means a lot to me… that’s bullshit, and I fucked up. If he, or other he, or whoever, only comes because I’ve promised sex, and otherwise wouldn’t bother, why on earth would I want to have sex with them anyway?!
I have to stop. This has to stop.
Maybe I need new friends.