Falling Slowly

I had a really lovely dream last night.

One of my favorite shows of the year, which I saw off-Broadway months ago, and which won the Tony very recently, was Once. I loved the movie, but I love the show even more… It’s heartfelt, highly theatrical, funny, sad, and utterly human in its heart and simplicity. My parents went to see it when they were in the city this past weekend.

One of the things that sets the show apart is that the actors are also the musicians. They dance, play instruments (from accordion to guitar to piano to uke to cello etc), sing, and act beautifully at the same time.

In my dream, I was working backstage, or nearby, a production of Once. I don’t know quite how this happened, but it doesn’t matter. It was during my 3 days back in the city, which are a struggle for me (this is the second chunk I’ve had, and although it’s less horrendous, it’s still hard). Somehow, I had to step in to replace one of the actors.

I had my flute, and we were all seated in a semi-circle on the stage. I was placed next to the lead man in the show– the character is called “Guy.” I was very excited because I love Guy as an actor, and to be this close meant maybe he’d see me or talk to me. Big nerd alert!

We rehearsed, and I was just fine, and he maybe gave me a smile or two. But then somehow we got to a different part of the show, where all of us were lined up on the lip of the stage, me at the end stage left next to Guy. There was a bit that had been staged between Guy and the guy I was replacing, which couldn’t be done with me. So Guy began to chat with me about ideas about a new bit. Soon enough, we were trying some bits, and then soon enough, we were doing that flirty tackle thing where you really just want to be touching someone so when you play around you end up just holding on.

Unlike some of my dreams, where there’s kissing, or handholding, or going through the world as a “couple,” the dream sort of just stalled there, in each others’ arms, and we began to talk. We talked a lot about L, as I recall, and somehow my subconscious presciently laid out the whole struggle I’ve been having these couple of days. I want to see her. I want to see all my friends. But it’s exhausting, and I’m already exhausting myself. I am so afraid of abandoning her, of losing her friendship, but at the same time, I can barely get out of bed in the morning for work, for myself. We discussed all this, and I’m sure more, and at some point the dream faded out, quietly, simply, just as it had come.

I hate waking up from dreams you wish were true. Of course it had to be a great talk, of course it had to be a big show that I love, and of course it had to be this handsome, wonderful, kind-seeming actor.

I wish my subconscious could run the real show. Maybe I’d have more good talks.


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