Tonight I smoked a bowl and took at least three hits from a vaporizer that looked like a walkie talkie. I’ve smoked a few times before, but I NEVER feel high.
(actually, the woman whose bowl I was smoking is an actress who was in Hair on Broadway– among others, including Rent– and told a story about how Jonathan Groff had never “felt high” before and needed to because he’d booked the Woodstock movie, so Will Swenson got him shitfaced)
Tonight is the “highest” I’ve ever felt, but I don’t feel “high.” I feel buzzed on alcohol– lightly so, to the point where thinking and my lips are slower, but I’m still generally clearheaded– but no great relaxing high. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. I don’t know (although of course now I’m thinking that I’ll read this tomorrow and realize I was a mess), and it’s okay. I don’t really like smoking anyway.
I’ve had a lot of the “emotional soup” lately, swirling thoughts and anxiety, highs of determination and lows of self-disgust. This is not shocking, as I should get my period tomorrow, but it’s unwelcome.
This Monday is a big, big day. It’s hard yet to know quite how big. Basically, it’s our special “industry” performance, so the house will be stuffed with casting directors and producers and Broadway actors and directors– all people who could give me a job. A big job.
So the swirling thoughts mostly focus on my body, of course, because while I’m self destructive, I’m also obnoxiously proud of my work. They may hate my performance, but I know I’m doing my job– the director, the playwright, and I am happy with what I’m doing.
I think about the roundness of my arms in my costume tee shirts. I’ve been freaking out over what dress to wear (maybe buy a new one? No, stop! You don’t have the money!). I’ve already fallen head over heels in love with an actor who is coming and has never met me, or likely ever dated a non-soap star. I am again convinced that looking the way I look, I will never work again.
I’ll get through it. I’m just already predicting a week-long dip in the “emotional soup.”