Last night, in the shadow of teenage Dorothy Parker’s home, I made out with a boy. Even typing that sends a ripple through me that feels like adrenaline.
I shouldn’t feel this way. By all rights, except for his high level of intelligence and nerdiness, he shouldn’t be my type. He’s slightly effeminate, yet also in the military (to pay for musical theatre school), did a children’s musical tour, auditions, but doesn’t work much as an actor. I should find his speech patterns annoying. I should find his face shape unattractive.
When I think about him, I get a rush.
When I think about what I want to do for the day’s activities, I want them to include him.
When I am with him, I don’t want to leave.
I want to be touching him all the time.
Maybe this reaction is because it’s been so long since I was in this kind of relationship. I’ve grown so tired of the back and forth, the giving a mile and getting an inch, or the pulling away because I just can’t, I can’t, I don’t feel the same way. Maybe I’m just yearning to be touched by anyone. Maybe I’m desperate to be loved. Maybe I’m horny.
But maybe I just really like him.
It doesn’t feel logical. My brain is not really in it at all. I’m almost trying to convince myself out of it.
But that rush, from my toes to my cheeks, the warm tingling in lots of places, the way I feel caught up in my throat when I think about him, the way that I literally lost my train of thought when he put his hand on my back at the wine bar– that’s real. It’s visceral. It’s kind of scary and almost unpleasant.
But there is something so glorious about it too… To feel. To focus my mind on someone else, someone warm and caring and engaged, instead of falling into the whirring thoughts and the emotional soup of “what’s next?” “what should I eat?” “I have to lose weight” “I have to see that show” “I’m spending so much money” “that audition is tomorrow and I’m not ready” “make a decision” “fix yourself” “be good be perfect be what they want.”
That’s still there, of course, but now there’s him. Something solid outside the ephemeral spin of thoughts. It’s incredibly comforting.
I am dizzy with this feeling. And feeling feelings is a sign that something is on track in my life. It sounds crazy, but when I get a rush of happiness, of dejection, sadness, of anger, of this, I know that I am alive. I am living. I am enough.