Good morning, menstruation. Sigh. At least it’s regular, although of course I forgot to up my Zoloft in preparation (which actually has worked) so the past two days I’ve been a bit of an emotional wreck.
Didn’t get a callback for a show I really, really, really wanted to book. I’m disappointed, but I have to let it go. I have to stop caring. It shouldn’t help, but I just keep reminding myself of the last show I booked (the show that got me my AEA card, my agent, my new best friends, and the attention of numerous casting directors and Broadway producers) and how it was the most unexpected booking EVER and I didn’t care when I walked out of the initial audition. You can’t plan your life. You have to just live it.
My boy is away Army-ing until August 17. I’m floundering a bit. Very little on the agenda except work.
So. The plan.
Tonight I’ll give dance another shot. I got a scholarship to a random studio in midtown for unlimited classes for a month for $100, which let me tell you, is a major steal. If I dance every day/every other day for the next month, I can almost guarantee I’ll feel better. I was a dancer. I am a dancer. My body misses it.
So for at least the next two weeks, I’ll do my usual– gym in the morning, shower and lunch at home, work for a few hours, then dance, then home. Not so bad, right? Plus it’s flexible enough for shifts and I can eat my meals at home, in theory.
Of course, I know that I am a person who needs to allow plans the flexibility to not be disappointed if tey don’t work. I am encouraging myself to embrace that possibility.
OH- question for the two readers I have (love you guys!!).
I want to go back on birth control (I have a boy! yay!). The first one I tried was Mononessa, which caused weight gain, acne, low sex drive (already an issue due to antidepressants), and general malaise. I went off when I broke up with that boyfriend.
When I was gaining weight and getting back my period after the months or so of very low weight, I took Ortho-Tricyclen Lo. It was the closest I’ve ever gotten to a complete, suicidal, psychotically depressed breakdown. It was a nightmare.
My psychiatrist said that he knew that Yaz had, in the past, been easier on the moods, but that I should talk to my OB about my concerns. I’m okay with certain side effects (I can live with cramps, I can live with heavier bleeding or spotting), but what I cannot live with is the kind of depression the last two pills have pushed me under. I am doing SO. FREAKING. WELL. right now– I’m stable and the “cocktail” seems to be working the way it’s supposed to. I cannot go backwards, not for anything.
Anyone have recommendations or anecdotes about a form of birth control (I’m talking pill, IUD, etc) that doesn’t completely cause emotional trauma in someone with chronic depression?