It’s been a long, long while.
A few updates to get you the gist of where I am:
1. Still with the boy (A). Head over heels, struggles and all. Great sex, good talks, complete dedication on both our ends. I’ve never felt like this before. Moving in with him next month.
2. Been on 3ish auditions since I signed with the agent. BIG one today with casting director who was one of my profs in college. Then I have to have a meeting with my agent to talk about styling and pictures (which I hear as “lose weight you fucking fatty”). I’m terrified about it.
3. Spent the weekend a few weeks ago in Amish Country with the boy. We bought a quillow (a pillow that folds out into a quilt). I love him. It was glorious. I did not want to come back.
4. My sister probably has endometriosis. It depresses her and it’s depressing the hell out of me.
5. The last week I’ve been in a depressive funk– binging and starving and staying in bed and whining and crying and feeling like shit and feeling jealous of the boy’s ex for getting to see him at work every day which is dumb but still it just adds to the “feeling like shit.” Hopefully finishing today will help.
6. I think this feeling is anxiety. It is a nervous warmth, like an electric current, that runs from the pit of my stomach into my throat and stays there, buzzing. It clutches my throat, makes me feel nauseous. I don’t know why I’m anxious. I don’t know why I’m so scared. I want all the “things” to go away– no requirements, no needs, no work, no negotiating with A to make sure we get done what needs to get done, no one to tell us where to go or what to do… just time, open and warm.
7. The boy was supposed to come home with me over the holidays (he still hasn’t met my parents). BUT he works all through December (literally 2 days off– 24th and 25th). He was suggesting a quick two day trip (fly in 21st, stay 22-23, and fly out 24th so he’d be home for Xmas), which sounds completely insane to me. Completely. And he’d have to take shifts off, which wouldn’t make him happy. I don’t know what to do. I’m going home for Christmas… does it make sense to do a week in November, a few weeks in December, and then come home for Christmas? I don’t think so. But what are we going to do?
9. So far so good with the new birth control. Had some breakthrough bleeding early on, plus moodiness, but now, about 1.5 months in, I’m in pretty good spirits.
10. The anxiety, the fear, the sadness, the overwhelmedness, grabs at my throat as I sit here and type. I feel my little fluttering self beating fast inside my body… easily hurt, easily wounded. I have to be strong today. I have to show everyone that I’m beautiful and brave and confident, but all I feel is like a small, scared little bird who isn’t quite enough for the big bad world. Even though A skipped working on his own music this morning to stay with me to keep the anxiety at bay, when his ex texted him to come in early to work (basically she’s his boss… yeah, I know), that little bird burrowed into my throat. I told him, “I wish I could hire you as my admin assistant so anytime I texted you you’d come right away.” And the thing is, he does do that for me, obviously. But that little bird of insecurity, the little flutter inside my throat and my eyes and my lungs, teetered dangerously. I feel off the ground… unbalanced and unsure. I don’t trust my body to do what I need it to or my voice to stay strong and solid. I don’t trust my eyes not to drip with tears throughout a meeting about how I look. I don’t want to talk about how I look. But that’s what this meeting is. Sometimes I think that the theatre is a fucking awful place.
11. In six hours, it will be over. After he goes away with the ex this weekend (for a run they scheduled in Disney months and months ago), he’ll be back and he’ll be mine. And I’ll know it. My feet will feel solid under me. I will feel good enough and special enough and I will breathe. In November, we’ll move. And maybe we’ll go to my home. Or maybe we’ll just have our holidays in NYC together, set up a tree, and then I’ll take him home next year. And then I’ll be home for Christmas, for food and love and warmth, for the sweet town I love and the family who cares. And then life will continue, up and down and around and back and forth, but it will continue.
It’s exactly what I’ve been telling myself for the last week.
It will suck, but then it will be over.
It will be over.
It will be over.