Sometimes you know it all at sixteen

I just downloaded all my Facebook data to my computer so I have it (kind of cool– I have a record of my life from age 16 till now).

Anyway, I stumbled upon a message my sister sent to me after one I sent to her about our relationship (it’s tenuous, at best). I had forgotten the really powerful, strong response she wrote to me.

You don’t really need to know the backstory except, perhaps, that my sister was sexually abused by a boy at summer camp when she was 15, and our relationship has always been tough.

i never talked to you about what really happened, but i think that it is important i do.
He would force me to do things while i screamed and cried, but never stopped. in the beginning i thought i might have a chance at getting away, and i tried, but every time he would get me. i remeber every night trying to sneak back to my cabin unnoticed but he always seemed to be everywhere. so i got to the point where my mind was telling me ‘you are not getting out of this.’ so to protect myself, i told myself this was the way it was supposed to be.
My worst memories are being locked in the bathroom in his cabin, feeling like a rag that he threw on to do anything that he wanted. whenever i remember that day, i remember it as though i am detached from my body, hovering over myself and him. I can’t even truly grasp what i was feeling then. i just remember sheer fear so deep that all you can do is feel numb.

These are the kinds of things that start to run through my head in sleep, in silence, and there are always triggers that push these memories from the depths of my mind to the front.

When this experience was happening i had no idea, or capability to deal with it, so i pretended i wasn’t there. but in the beginning of winter break, i for some reason felt safe enough to tell mom one of the things he did. Hearing myself say that was like actually experiencing it for the first time. so all winter break i felt like i was there, locked in the bathroom, or trapped in the woods and my only way of escape was to get out of the house. i felt like if i was home i would start to remember things i wasn’t ready to deal with. so i started to distract myself with things-like tim. he has really helped me heal. but i feel like i wasn’t myself during that break, and i wish that i could have been present. for you, for our family.

I feel like our relationship means a great deal to me.
i know that we have never been the typical ‘sister pals’ that the TV world seems to know, but i feel like we have a silent understanding for each other. Maybe because we were raised together, maybe because even during our hard years i feel like we had some kind of bond. whatever that bond was, it was lasted us until now and i have faith in it.

I think that this winter break we were both silently grieving. You for your relationship and loneliness, me for my lost youth and loneliness. i wish that i could have stepped out of my world to see that our pain was similarly matched, but for some reason, at that point in my life i wasn’t ready.

I am always willing to work at our relationship.
it is something that is very dear to me.
I hope that when you come we can both be honest with each other, and i have much faith that we can.

I wish that we had the kind of relationship that we watch in the movies, but the truth is, we aren’t the kind of girls that you would typically see in the movies. I am coming to embrace this.

i am excited to see you and i hope that when you come we can create the relationship that feels right to US.

i love you

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