Falling Apart but Just Fine

When A leaves, I fall apart.
The last two nights, I’ve binged myself into a stupor and found myself unable to get out of bed.

It used to be that I felt like I needed alone time in order to process and care for myself. It’s certainly true that after a binge or when I’m super hungry, I am completely shut off to other people. I retreat internally. BUT… when I don’t allow myself to binge or starve (i.e. when A is here and there’s no opportunity), I am fine. I fall apart when I binge and I binge when he leaves. Ergo: when he leaves, I fall apart.

I’ve got to get better at this, since A is in the Army reserves and has to leave for a weekend every month (sometimes longer, sometimes shorter). Plus it’s not a great system to completely depend on my boyfriend to help keep me stable. But it’s been working. And living with him has been a great gift for that reason (among many others). But when I’m alone again, the bad habits overwhelm me and I fall apart.

The funny thing is that although I’ve been eating less “healthy” than I do on my own (no smoothies for breakfast, more carbs than I like to allow myself, dessert most nights), my weight has stayed stable, and even dropped a little bit. I KNOW, RIGHT?!
It’s actually a kind of remarkable lesson that as long as I’m not freaking out– not binging, not starving– my weight will be fine. I don’t have to starve myself.

So I’ve actively been trying to stop the “freaking out” and stop thinking about losing weight. Because if I just allow myself to focus on my relationship, and allow food to just be food, no matter its calorie content or perceived healthfulness, I’m gonna be just fine.

A’s back tomorrow night. We’re making dinner. Thank god.

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One thought on “Falling Apart but Just Fine

  1. My dietitian is constantly telling me that if I stop thinking about food, counting food, weighing food, restricting food etc then my weight will remain stable, but the fear that it won’t is still there. I’m glad to hear a real-life story that what she is saying is true. I think it’s great that you’ve been able to see that as long as you don’t freak out, binge or starve, you will stay stable. I know things are easier when you have someone supportive nearby, but nothing changes just because A goes away for a night or two. Maybe you can use that time to treat yourself to things you used to love to do on your own…to tend to your own internal health, and happiness. Drink warm tea, read good books and smile in the knowledge he’ll be home to you in a few days time. xo. 🙂

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