I’m trying to keep my mind distracted from the incredibly anxiety-producing election returns. Lying here with a cat on my lap and a boy clacking away on his computer across from me, writing.

I just stumbled upon a blog written by my boy’s ex that she’s keeping secret. I had known about her previous blog because it’s linked to her Twitter, which I found from googling (YES I’m a stalker, try and convince me you’re not too). She’s made me anxious because they had been together for so long (4ish years), they had gotten this apartment together, and they were on the fast track to… something very big.

Anyway, this new blog doesn’t have her name on it, but I know it’s her because I follow her Twitter– and the blog is all about “Can I find a man who…”

If I didn’t know it was her before, I know based on what she writes about wanting. There are MANY traits that A has that she elucidates: he leaves love notes. He remembers everything I tell him. He’s funny.

There’s something so schaudenfreude about the whole thing… I guess I’ve been the girl that got the guy a number of times (although I have NEVER in my life thought about it like that, like stealing or winning), but there’s something that makes me feel special for having something that someone else no longer does. Does that make me a bad person?

She writes this (clearly about me): “Like, 3 or 4 year relationship ends and a few weeks later, my ex is facebook official with some girl that either looks a lot like me or that everyone says “if she weren’t with _____, you’d be friends with her!  you guys would get along so well!”  ….Shut up.  No, we wouldn’t.  Because she is with _______.  And because of that, I think she’s ugly and stupid and probably really, really lame.  And well, when she looks a lot like me, that just weirds me out.”

Okay. I’m not trying to throw this girl under the bus, just to be clear. I am sure she’s lovely. Anyone who spent 4 years with A must be. I have no beef with the girl. We’ve never met!

But again… there’s this part of me that relishes feeling better than her (I know, I know, I am the WORST).

We don’t look the same. My hair is blonde-ish. I weight at least 20 pounds less. SO PETTY SO AWFUL but it makes me feel good?!

And knowing that she has stalked me too, and that she knows she no longer has A…. It’s a weird good/bad feeling that I can’t describe. I’m not sure what it is… but I had to share it and I sure as hell can’t share it with anyone who actually knows me or A (!).

Love to all. Check in again soon.

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