So. A didn’t take the tour. It took days of talking and thinking and worrying. I tried to keep quiet and allow him to make the decision solely based on the logic of the choice (minus my extreme emotional response), but of course that was impossible.
We pressed the “send” button together.
I think he’s still struggling with it (which I understand), and I feel supremely guilty STILL (which I think he understands), but there’s such a huge part of me that’s relieved.
We came back from his folks’ place on Sunday of last week, driving the rental with the kitty on his lap from Southern PA to NYC. Spur of the moment, since we had the car till late, we stopped briefly at the apartment to change and drop off food, and then he took me across the river to NJ for an amazingly fancy and expensive steak dinner (I had lobster tails, obvi). We had two glasses of wine each, salad, sides to split, our entrees, and desserts. Amazing. I felt guilty about the cost (unhelped by his constant financial worries and vocal stress about paying for that evening’s meal), but it was so lovely to be treated. I am a strong, independent woman (obvi), but we live such an even-keeled life (sharing chores, sharing bills, sharing responsibilities of all kinds), that being treated like a prized possession, worth splurging on, was amazing.
This last week, though I worked days, we kept ourselves busy with a week of fun. Tuesday night, Nutcracker at NYCB (my first live Balanchine Nutcracker, though I’d worn the video to shreds) followed by sharing a bottle of wine and desserts at a bar where we shared one of our first dates. Wednesday we had comps to Golden Boy (the Odets play) on Broadway. Thursday, therapy (I was having extreme anxiety about seeing “my company’s” show that night and about the very mixed feelings about seeing my mother, but I actually left feeling strong and uplifted– go therapist!!) then kitty vet appointment, then “my company’s” show. Which was terrible. And made me feel… less bad than I thought I would… but still. And having A there, actually, in a way, made it worse. I felt bad for exposing him to bad theatre and embarrassed for being associated with those people, but then, it was lovely to have him there to prove that I am a strong, lovable woman. Friday we went to the Big Apple Circus!!
So, it was a good week. Ups and downs, of course, but I love “doing” thinks, and I love him, you guys. Again. Ups and downs, discomfort and disagreement, but love. He’s my other. I’ve never felt that way before.
God, I wanted to post something specific… I thought about it days ago. But for some reason I can’t remember. I swear I’ll be back at some point… Lots to talk about, especially before I take A and the kitty home for the holiday next week.
Love you all. More soon.
P.S. Told him, after a show we saw prompted it, that I trafficked in ED blogs. I’m now almost certain that he knows I have one. If he’s as much of a stalker as I am, he’ll find it. Which is maybe okay. As long as he doesn’t tell me. 🙂