Without Him

After flying out of NYC on Monday, arriving at my home in Idaho, and spending a solid five days struggling, loving, playing, and being together with my family, A had to fly home to our little apartment in Northern Manhattan. I stayed here in the West, taking a two-ish hour drive with the family, dog, and cat to a cabin getaway.

And I miss him so, so, so much.

I’m not entirely sure the reason for the huge sadness I feel upon A’s departure.

It’s also this weird thing that I sometimes have when doing shows, where I almost DON’T want my family to get to experience them (or, in this case, A) so that it remains completely MY experience, fully on my terms.

We were going to leave Franny at home (it’s only two days ish), but last minute, I felt so sad and alone, and so missed A, that I insisted she come with us. I know it was the right choice—I feel like I have an ally on this family vacation.

I’m also PMS-ing like mad—I know because I’m highly emotional. I’m still waiting for the actual menstruation (I’m about a couple of days late but it’s been like this the last period or so, prob because of the birth control).

I think I wanted writing to make me feel better. It doesn’t. I don’t know how exactly to make myself feel better. I felt so un-alone the last few days. I would feel sad, and then he would come over, and myabe I’d still feel sad, but I’d have someone who was looking at me with compassion and care. I’m not used to that. I had someone to touch and rest my head on. I had someone to have near me at all times. I LOVE IT. I love my life with him.

I’m almost at the point where I’m scared he doesn’t want to spend years and years and life with me. I’m almost scared because I kind of want to.  I kind of want him in my life, like, forever. And I’ve felt that way before (my high school boyfriend), but this is… something. I NEVER want to be without him.

I don’t know how I’m gonna do the next week. I know I’ll have to really pretend he never was here so I don’t miss him so much. But I’m concerned that what I’ll want with him gone is to have “me” time, not necessarily “family” time. I want “vacation” and not “bonding.” I don’t know. And unlike with A, I can’t tell my parents what I need in a way that makes me feel cared for and safe. They don’t do that for me—they obsess and judge and need things that are really hard for me to give. A just lets me feel and need, with the knowledge that he will do the same. We know we’re not perfect.

I look forward to Christmas. I don’t necessarily look forward to going back to “real life.” But, I do look forward, more than I can explain, to being with A again. To coming back to our life. It’s kind of the only life I want.

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