Cement Blood

GOOD LORD I’m tired of feeling like shit.

One super awesome thing about depression is that ALL of you is depressed, and that means your immune system too. So I am well on my way into a really awesome cold.

I’m sitting here at work, feeling totally out of it. Good thing my boss isn’t here because human interaction is just too much right now. Part of the detachment is probably the cold medicine, but I know that a huge part of it is depression. I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest things. I can’t focus. I’m sad.

I read the jobs listings on Playbill and AEA this afternoon, and I felt even worse. There’s nothing. Nothing. It’s a wasteland. And the really fucked part is that my agent isn’t getting me any appointments. And the EPAs (open union calls) just suck the life right out of me. Here’s the worst part: there’s a part I’m PERFECT for in a small company’s upcoming production. I went to the open call last week and told my agent, who told me that she’d submitted me for the role as well. And I find out the casting director is the same one who LOVED my performance last summer so much she made a point to give me her card. If that’s the level at which I’m not getting appointments, I feel like I may never work again.

Tomorrow there’s an EPA for a show that will go up at A’s theatre uptown over the summer. Wouldn’t that be perfect?!

But I’m completely underprepared. I wanted to bring back an old monologue, but my brain won’t even let me focus enough to make sure I have the lines right. And any motivation is just being sucked out of the marrow of my bones by this heavy sadness.

I know I’m not being a great girlfriend. I know I’m not taking great care of myself or my apartment or my relationship or my pet. I know that there’s no quick fix to this. But you guys… it feels so bad.

Everything hurts me.

I’m easily irritated, and I hate that.
It is physically difficult to do anything, and mentally even more so.
I feel as though I’m wasting my life.
I am not entirely sure that “I am enough” for this business at all.

My spirits are very low. And the thing that makes me the most happy in the world is so far away from me. I have nothing to look forward to. I don’t know what else to do. I’m scared and feeling very hopeless. Why can’t the universe throw me a bone? A small one? Any one?

I know this will pass. I know I will eventually work again. But right now I feel like my insides are made of hardening cement– heavy and painful. Nothing give me joy right now. Everything hurts. Everything makes me cry. I want to be nowhere; to hibernate until this time is over.

And I just want it go away.

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2 thoughts on “Cement Blood

  1. Oh, sweet girl. My heart aches for you. It’s amazing how connected to you I feel, having never met you…
    Stay strong. You can get through this.
    “Rays of happiness, like rays of light, are colourless when unbroken.” -R. W. Longfellow
    Sending hugs ❤

  2. Pingback: TwirlingGirl | 13 Things I Learned in 2013

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