When I grow up, I want to feel fulfilled.
I want to have agency.
I want others to want my company. And miss me if I’m not there.
I want to be proud of myself.
I want to be happy more than I’m unhappy. (I’m getting there)
A’s away, and I spent the day feeling pretty unfulfilled. Rehearsal was canceled, I have this tub draining situation, and all I really got around to today was briefly going to the gym, going to Deals, vacuuming and doing some dishes. Which isn’t the worst, but. I have a longing. A real real real real real deep deep deep subcutaneous longing for something.
I do a monologue that I love from a play called BRILLIANT TRACES. In the piece, the character talks about how she heard that “they say when you are visited by an extraterrestrial, after the visit, the extraterrestrial puts this spell on you so you cannot remember the encounter at all, and you wake with only this kind of sad longing for something but you don’t know what. And you carry this sad longing with you all the rest of your life. And they say that if, by chance, you get hypnotized, then you reveal the encounter under hypnosis and when you wake up, you remember it. And then it is no longer a sad longing, but something real, which you know about.”
You know that feeling? I do. I really, really do. And I know the longing even when you DO know what you’re longing for. At times, that’s the hardest kind. You can see it, you can feel it with your fingertips… but it’s not there.
Here’s another Matilda song. I accompanied myself. 🙂 Poorly. 😉
Love to all.