Clingy

A comes home on Tuesday. He called tonight from his barracks. I could only hear about half of what he said, I think because he’s so rural, so it was an awkward conversation. He becomes frustrated when I’m unresponsive– when I’m not talking enough to him, or not fully answering questions, like I’m irritated with him or something. This has been a pattern with boys, and it terrifies me to no end. I had an ex break up with me because he felt I was always “disconnected.” So by admitting that I was having trouble hearing, I thought I would ease some of that. You know, “this is why I keep saying, ‘uh-huh,’ and ‘sure.'”

And yet… it didn’t help. When I admitted that I was having trouble hearing, I felt awfully guilty. It still felt awkward.

I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. I’m anxious about having him back. Of course I’ve missed him, of course I love him, of course! But it was awkward on the phone.

I shouldn’t be worried. I can’t even form a cohesive thought right now, god knows why. Honestly, I’m exhausted. I can’t think straight. I can’t focus on anything beyond what is happening right now. This is an incredibly exhausting place to be in. I think that’s probably what’s going on with my nerves.

In other news, I still stalk A’s ex. Now that she doesn’t live in NYC, it makes me feel less of… well, anything, really. I just get bored and my own friends are less interesting. 😉

Anyhow, one of the things A and I have discussed about her is that she tends to hold onto things very tightly. She needs to belong. So she is super loyal to her hometown, super proud of her college, converted to Mormonism for her first husband (YEAH), GOT MARRIED AT 21, and of course, A was also one of those things. That seems to be part of the reason they lasted as long as they did. Even when they were going in different directions, he was her stability.

I look at her Instagram and I can really see this trait. When she’s in a show, all she can talk about is the show. When it’s over, she misses it. When she’s working at camp, she’s 100% IN LOVE with camp, and when it’s over, she misses it so much and posts about it all the time! The show is not present anymore. Nor is NYC.

Now, I get attached too. When I’m working on a project, yes, I do get invested in it. And yet, there’s a sense of overwhelming neediness to her postings. “Miss my crew today!” “A box full of fun memories!” “Sad to leave my best friends in the world!” And all of this about people she knew for a month, maybe.

I post about my shows. I post about my life. But I don’t ever really talk about what I “miss.” Here I do, sure, like about last summer in Jersey and whatnot, but never really anywhere else. I guess I’m lucky that my life is full enough that I can focus on each new project as it comes.

So. I guess I’m being judge-y, but there are my two cents.

I’m glad I’m me and not her.

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2 thoughts on “Clingy

  1. I have just nominated you for the Shine On award over at my blog. Have a lovely day!

  2. I am glad you are you, too! And I am SURE A is glad you are 100% Becca and NOT her.

    Re: the awkward conversations… I can be like that sometimes too. It feels like I am out of juice. Just… too spent to talk. It has NOT A DANG THING to do with who I am talking to… I just am non conversational at that point so when one is instigated (especially on the phone) It does not work out. I end up having to say stuff like… “um.. I’m sorry what? I totally wasn’t listening to you right then.”

    I am usually complete opposite so this is off-putting to the receiving end until they get used to my flighty-ness.

    Okay so I just hat a TG marathon over hurrrr,,,, (haha I feel funny speaking my white girl eubonix to you) and wanted to add that I hope your sister is doing better and also that Jury Duty sucks but I will not say if I have been called or not because I don’t want to jinx myself.

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