How? HOW?! (so many hows)

HOW #1: How do I balance busy and not busy?

I’m not happy when I’m not busy, but when I’m busy, I feel run down. Balance? What’s that?

A and I fought last night because I was irritable and needed space and probably other things I couldn’t articulate. All day today I felt overwhelmed by all the things I haven’t completed (learning lines, cleaning the apartment, literally my entire job at school) but when I sit down at my desk, I can’t focus on doing them. It’s terrible. Why can’t I complete tasks like a normal person?HOW #2: How to I figure out what I need?

Do I need more space? Probably. A’s not working right now, except from home, which somehow really irks me. I run to work at 11am, then to rehearsal at 5pm, then home at 8pm, and then he’s there and wants to talk… so YES, I need space.

But even when I have it, I’m not happy. I need MORE. Or I need something else. I need him to make choices? I need to relax more? I need to work harder? I seriously don’t know what I need. It would be so much easier if I could answer the question A asked me today: “Is there anything I can do, or say, or is there a food, or an object, or an activity that would make you feel better?” How the fuck do I know? I WISH there was.

HOW #3: How can I stay focused?

The second I get busy I lose my drive. I simply can’t fathom picking up my script and memorizing lines, so I wander around and submit audiobook auditions. What IS that? I know I need to clean the apartment, but instead I take a bath. WHY? I know A’s coming home so I should enjoy my me-time but instead I lock myself in the closet to do voiceovers, which I could do to get space when he IS around. WHY?

HOW #4: I don’t even know how to cohesively write a post right now, so how on earth am I going to accomplish anything else today? HOW????



2 thoughts on “HOW?

  1. Lists, dear one. Lists are your new best friend.
    My closest friend out at school has a lot of trouble with procrastination and being mad at himself for not getting more done, or not being able to do EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I keep telling him, take it one day at a time. What do you need to get done today? What do you need to have accomplished by the time you go to bed tonight in order to feel good about your day? Make a list. Write that down and schedule your day minute by minute to get it done. Alternatively, ask yourself “What can I be doing in this moment to be productive?” Maybe productivity RIGHT NOW is having a nap because you can’t be productive until you get some sleep. Maybe productivity RIGHT NOW is answering emails, making lists, and creating a schedule so that you can be more productive for the rest of your day/week. Or maybe productivity RIGHT NOW is working on that project so that you can actually check things off your to-do list.
    One day, one task, one moment at a time. Calm. Breathe.
    Sending love. ❤

  2. Hugs to you sweetheart! What is it you are distracting yourself from by staying so busy? I am speculating, of course, but I know when I start to busy myself so much that I don’t look forward to all the things I’ve committed to that I’m trying to hide from something else. “I don’t know” is a perfectly valid answer when A asks if there’s anything he can do or anything that will help…maybe it just needs to be followed up with “I don’t know…and I need some time and room to breathe to figure it out”. And then sit with the question. In the bath, in the park, wherever makes you feel comfortable – and just breathe. Love and strength. xo.

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