The melancholy creeps…

It’s finally beginning to be real.

I’m losing my job.

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Giving the commencement speech at my graduation.

Yesterday we interviewed 4 applicants, all qualified, although there’s already someone in place to take the job from within. Today I’ll have my very last program meeting, where the students and faculty get together and talk about news and auditions and departmental happenings. I have gone to these monthly since August 2007.

Before the final program meeting in high school.

Before the final program meeting in high school.

I’ve been recording a lot for these audiobooks I’m working on, and the ones that pay the best give me about $100 per finished hour (plus royalties to come), some more than that. It’s not bad. But I’m realizing that if I were to “rely” on my audiobooks, I’d have to be doing at LEAST two full-length books per month to get up to the pittance I’m currently making. It’s not really feasible.

And also, I no longer have a safe space. I don’t have a computer not in my home. I don’t have somewhere quiet to escape to. I don’t have the comfort of a door I can close and a chair that’s mine and a printer I can use and the people who I have surrounded myself with for the last 7 years. SEVEN YEARS.

Closing celebration for the last show of my first year in college.

Closing celebration for the last show of my first year in college.

I think that’s the hardest part. It’s sort of like graduating all over again, and it hurts. It’s scary, but it’s more sad. It’s more like leaving my therapist or graduating from school or having a show close than it is money anxiety or anything like that.

My senior prom (and my 18th birthday) in high school.

My senior prom (and my 18th birthday) in high school.

I don’t know how I’m going to make money, but even more, I don’t know where to focus my energy. I’m not sure where my “home base” will be. That’s very scary.

So many endings. So much uncertainty. Starting from zero again.

And not knowing exactly what the next step is.

My first "Banquet."

My first “Banquet.”

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My final “Banquet.”

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