Don’t let me read this. It’ll make me sad.

I’m back from a 2.5 week vacation with my folks in London, Drumnadrochit (a wee town on Loch Ness), and Edinburgh!

But that’s not what’s flitting through my mind.

I lost a friend somehow. A best friend.

I said something possibly insensitive in a text. I didn’t think twice about it. Looking back, it was probably misguided, even though my intentions were to be amusing and share a silly moment in my life that made me feel connected to this person.

This was three months ago.

I hadn’t heard a word from her. I continued to text, to “like” on Facebook, to comment, to talk about, to generally act like a friend through this whole time. While in the UK, I sent a text like usual, remarking on a funny thing that was happening that I wanted to share. Her response was that she has been distant because I really hurt her with my text, she wished I hadn’t said it, and maybe we can talk about it when I’m back.

Heart. Pinioned.

We were headed out the door to breakfast when I got this, so I dashed off a reply along the lines of “oh my god. I had no idea and I am so sorry I hurt you. I hope you know that I would never hurt you on purpose and I regret hurting you then. I love you, but I understand you need your space and please do what feels right.”

And subsequently deleted every single communication so that I couldn’t look at that text ever again, and left my phone at home all day, even though I wouldn’t have Wifi or cell service anyway. I sobbed through breakfast, and burst into tears throughout the day. I still am hurting, deeply. The shame is overwhelming, and I’m hurt too.

***

I’m also finishing up a two book audiobook contract with an author who HATES me. She hired me, for goodness’ sake, but she is horrifically disappointed in my work and condescends to me at every juncture. And of course all the stupid little things are going wrong in production, so she treats me like I’m unprofessional and terrible at my job. The worst was the three page LETTER she wrote me after I finished the first book, about how much she hated my narration. So that whole situation sucks.

Obviously one hurts more than the other, but they both make me feel physically SICK.

I’ve gotten to a point where I get that sick feeling when reading an email from the author about the audiobook, but I’m able to let it go within a relatively short amount of time as long as I make the change she wants or respond IMMEDIATELY.

***

But this friend.

It hurts so badly.

And I have many feelings that contradict the sick, shame feeling:
Our friendship of years couldn’t withstand a mistake?
Everything we’ve been through together can fall apart because of this?
Why didn’t you tell me till now?
Why couldn’t you let go?
Why couldn’t you forgive me?

How could you not wish me happy birthday?

How could you watch me reach out, continue as if nothing was broken, while you pushed me unknowingly away?

***

So there’s definitely anger.

But mostly, I am sad.

I am so, so, so sad that it makes me want to throw up.
It takes my heart and pokes tiny little holes in it so it wheezes with each beat.
The shame wears me like a thick, wool coat, the heavy hood pressing my chin to my chest.

What do you do when your best friend isn’t your best friend?

Does the sadness go away? Does the SHAME?

Do people forgive as easily as I do? Because I do.

I have to let her go. It’s in her hands. And if we talk, I’ll collapse in a heap and the tears will never stop. So I hope she just forgives me.

I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I didn’t feel shame so deeply.

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4 thoughts on “Don’t let me read this. It’ll make me sad.

  1. So, yeah… first blog post that has ever made me cry. I hear you. You write so poignantly. I can hear your pain and I understand. I have lost a best friend. I believe you probably read about it. I know where you’re at and even though it’s not your exact situation I can feel and understand your pain. My heart goes out to you. I am sending you love and hugs.
    If I could offer one single piece of advice, it’s this: never give up on something you can’t live without. She’s your best friend, so she’s worth fighting for. Fight past the point where others think is wise. Fight until you know you’ve given it all you had, until there’s nothing else you could do, because only then can you truly let go and say – it’s in her hands now. If you believe in this friendship, fight for it. Not everyone forgives as easily as you and I, but it’s worth a shot.
    So much love to you. Be gentle with your beautiful self.

  2. I lost a friend a year and a half ago…
    The hurt fades…but it kind of is still there.

    Also ..a twing of resentment and anger because WHO DOES THAT? Friends don’t break up.

    And then I think of how I have ALWAYS believed that a freindship that can end never truly began. (Because even if you move apart or grow apart… it doesn’t officially end right?) I mean …what kind of freindship ends?

    But then she did this — and I find myself wavering as to if there was anything there to begin with? Which.. I can’t believe that.

    Mostly though — it fades, but she still pops into my mind.
    I kind of like…. it’s like I am still expecting her to call me one day. To come back…if that makes sense.

    Anyway- I feel your pain. Its is so hard to feel rejected EVEN THOUGH you know it is not rejection, and that it is really all about HER and not you.

    Not your monkeys, not your circus.

    I feel ya.
    (( hugs ))

  3. I have absolutely no idea why I spelled friendship wrong so many times. LOL. Was just typing super fast.

    • Haha, no worries.

      Yeah, I’m mostly just so confused. And yes, I’m not sure the “twinge” (great way to describe it) is going to go away anytime soon. Sigh.

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