She wants to talk.

You may recall that in June of 2014, my best friend, L excised me from her life. Well, the excision happened earlier, in April, but she didn’t tell me that she wasn’t my friend anymore until June. Since then, we haven’t spoken. At all.

She was my BEST FRIEND.
She fought (and beat) cancer, and I was with her from day one to day 700.
She was my best friend.

I text her happy birthday on her birthday, because when I realized that she didn’t text me happy birthday in April 2014 (before I knew she was done with me), it was so heartbreaking I couldn’t bear to think about it. She never responds.

This year, she texted me happy birthday. I thanked her. She asked if I wanted to get coffee/tea when I come back.

I don’t know the answer to that question.

I look back on my writings about this– one of the greatest traumas of my life. For the first year, I was desperate for her forgiveness. I felt horrific guilt and shame. It was physically painful. Thinking about it still makes me cry.

But now I’m angry. I am not so desperate for friends that I need to go back to someone who hurt me. I don’t want to grovel for friendship. And yet.

She was my best friend.

Can I be her friend again?

Do I WANT to be her friend again?

I don’t know what I want. I wish someone would tell me.



One thought on “She wants to talk.

  1. Oh… this is so tough. I empathize with you in every way possible – as you probably know from past comments and my own blog, I too lost a best friend. Best Friend with capital letters, you know?
    I can’t tell you what you should do, but I’ll tell you that in the first couple years after our friendship ended, I would’ve absolutely taken my former best friend up on an offer to go for coffee. Coffee doesn’t mean “besties again!” or even “friends again!” or “let’s do this again some time!” It doesn’t mean what she did was okay. All it does is give you a chance to talk it through. To see why she did what she did – if she’s at all willing to talk about it. If it’s just a surface conversation and she won’t talk about the lack of friendship, then at least you tried. But what if she’s coming to apologize, to explain…? You don’t have to accept her apology, but maybe it’s something you’d need to hear.
    I guess my opinion is that you’d have nothing to regret in a simple coffee date but could potentially regret saying no. I always avoid potential regret.
    That’s my two cents. I hope that whatever you choose, you feel peace about it. Keep us posted. ❤

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