What the WHAT?!

What the EVERLOVING SHIT is going on with me right now?

I had a pretty shitty weekend, emotionally. A was gone. I did some work and relaxed a ton, but got about as close to binging as I have in a loooong time. Had those terrible thought cycles and got constantly caught up in the emotional soup. Had what should have been great sex last night but wasn’t there at ALL.

Now today, I feel shaky and sad. This isn’t the numbness I felt this weekend, it’s a heavy wet cloud in my chest. Tears or screams or something always feel just on the VERGE of coming out. I have a cracked lip I can’t stop picking at and a pimple the size of Pluto that I can’t stop thinking about. My brain feels far and distant and it takes an exceptional amount of power to convince my self to do my actual job.

I don’t know how I feel. I feel depressed but also manic, unfocused and flighty, epically sad but also terribly anxious.

Is it just this time of year? Where things are ending and new things are supposed to be starting, but instead the days just slide into the thick humid fucking loooooooong days of New York summer? Why does the “future” look like a total jumble, just weeks and weeks of IcantevenimaginewhatIamdoingIhavenocluecanItakeanapandwakeupandsuddenlyhaveapurpose?

This better pass by tomorrow, because I’m turning fucking 25 years old and I deserve a good day. Goddamnit.

It’s amazing how quickly…

..you can go from feeling good, solid, grounded, successful, PROUD…

to feeling angry, sad, frustrated, and stuck.

Questioning every decision.

Hating hating other people, and resenting resenting their success.

Ugh.

“Sometimes this human stuff is slimy and pathetic – jealousy especially so – but better to feel it and talk about it and walk through it than to spend a lifetime being silently poisoned.”
Anne Lamott

“A lot of people get so hung up on what they can’t have that they don’t think for a second about whether they really want it.”
Lionel Shriver, Checker and the Derailleurs

“Jealousy always has been my cross, the weakness and woundedness in me that has most often caused me to feel ugly and unlovable, like the Bad Seed. I’ve had many years of recovery and therapy, years filled with intimate and devoted friendships, yet I still struggle. I know that when someone gets a big slice of pie, it doesn’t mean there’s less for me. In fact, I know that there isn’t even a pie, that there’s plenty to go around, enough food and love and air.

But I don’t believe it for a second.

I secretly believe there’s a pie. I will go to my grave brandishing my fork.”
Anne Lamott, Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith

“Jealousy is the most dreadfully involuntary of all sins.”
Iris Murdoch

All of a Sudden

This morning in the laundry room with A, I felt a stickiness in my pajama pants. I surreptitiously glanced down, and I saw a dark splotch in the crotch of my pants. I was bleeding.

I put on a face and we came upstairs, where I went to the bathroom. Yep, dried blood around the top of my thighs, in my PJ pants, and all up in there. I washed the pants the best I could, turned on the shower, and came out of the bathroom.

I’m bleeding again,” I told A. His face softened, and he looked at me. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I said, “Just annoyed. I don’t know why this keeps happening, because I’m not on my period. It’s really frustrating.”

And then I was in a bad mood. A quiet morning turned more quiet because I didn’t want to talk. Because I felt upset for some reason.

Why did this happen? Why did I suddenly feel sad and angry and quiet? Yes, irregular bleeding is annoying and irritating and brings up all kinds of feelings about my body… but that’s not the only reason. Stress? Overwhelmedness? Fear? Transition? I don’t know. All of these things and more, I’m sure.

There’s something great about the fact that I can say, “Why all of a sudden am I in a bad mood?” to my boy. But I wish I didn’t have the thing where all of a sudden I was in a bad mood, you know?

Have a headache.
Am stressed about food.
Too much prep for auditions.
Work work work.
Responsibilities and rehearsals and meetings and readings.
MOVING.

My brain is in eighteen different places at once. And I need to just find some stability. And I don’t have it right now.

Sister/Sister

Obviously it’s been like, an eternity, since I last wrote. I’ve officially finished college, gotten my diploma, gave the salutatorian speech, and now I’m home in the West for a week before the summer “officially” begins. Parts of it are great, but I’m spending an inordinate amount of time feeling like SHIT.

1. My sister is gorgeous. Seriously, she’s a model. Size zero, 5’10,” olive skin, long legs, natural ringlets in her hair, plus she knows how to dress and how to do hair and makeup. I’m bad at those things. Next to her, I feel like a short, fat cow with uneven skin, a double chin, bad hair, and no style. I’ve always had jealously issues with my sister, but this break it’s focused primarily on looks. So in addition to feeling badly about my body, I feel like a shallow motherfucker.

2. We’re both graduating (she from high school today, me from college last week), so it’s like mirror images… except for some things. Those things being she’s GORGEOUS and I am not, people think she’s older than me which makes me feel unimportant, she has a boyfriend and I just joined OkCupid (FML), oh and I have a fucking eating disorder that is obvious to the entire world and she does not.

I CANNOT seem to get out of this mode of feeling like a fat, worthless whale. I hate being that girl. We both have the same dress from JCrew and mine’s a 4 and hers is a 0 and I almost started crying. We used to wear the same size (what I mean was that we both used to be size 4– when I was a size 0 she was more of a size 2? who knows).

And the icing on the cake is that today is day 3 at home, and my last day with her. She leaves for a music festival for FOUR nights. That means she arrives home on Tuesday. Our double grad party is Wednesday, and I leave Thursday morning. And she’s going to San Fran in the fall, so I have absolutely no idea when I’ll see her again. Years. And she doesn’t care.

I hate feeling worthless. My parents are caring and loving and wonderful (at the moment), but when she’s there I feel… FAT. and BAD.

Suggestions? Anyone have hot siblings/friends? This seems to be a reoccuring problem for me.

Also, I emailed ROAED about getting a mentor for my ED and they STILL haven’t emailed me back. I’m a little pissed. What if I was on my deathbed? Come on.