Irks and Happy’s

Things that irk me:

False, ceaseless, unrelenting positivity. Look. If you spend this much time blogging about how GREAT your positive life is, how MUCH you love yoga, how DETERMINED you are to give back, how REWARDING it is to free yourself from the material things… I’m not going to believe you. That’s what people find so irritating about a lot of these “healthy living bloggers.” The way they write makes you feel like shit because they are constantly on the “right track.” They are self-aware and GOOD, focused and DISCIPLINED, and you are a schmuck who has good days and shitty days and is honest about it.

Look, here’s the specific example. I’ve done… okay… at detoxing from A’s ex’s social media. I’ve definitely cut down. However, i still occasionally look at her blog. Basically since January she’s been giving up one thing per month and writing about it. At first it was stuff like giving up meat, giving up social media, giving up sugar, etc. Normal human tests of will. Now it’s like… giving up NEGATIVITY, giving AWAY EXCESS (not shocked this came around the time she started working at Lululemon)… and all she writes about is: “I have the important things.  Family, friends, dogs, food, water, shelter… everything else is secondary” and “Can you come out on the other side as a positive person?  You can.  And that will change your life.” and  “I’m grateful for you coming on my journey this month.  I hope you learned something too.  🙂  Stay happy!”

THAT? That makes me want to punch someone. Partly because I irrationally hate her, but partially because of that thing of “who are YOU to tell me what happiness is? Who are YOU to change your entire life in one month and be like, oh my god! I figured out the universe! Who are YOU to post affirmations without humanizing them?”

I don’t know. Am I insane? Because I post happy shit too but I don’t think I’m quite so annoying? Why am I so bugged by this?

But now, onto the happy (you get both here, folks):

Things that make me really, really happy:

Walking outside and discovering it’s bright, clear, and warmer than you’d expected

Rehearsing with someone, and looking straight into their eyes– it’s like this totally bold way of connecting that is truer than almost anything in the world

Noticing a card that fell from someone’s pocket into a seat on the subway and giving it back to her before I leave the train

Wrapping Christmas presents for A

Looking up as I walk into the courtyard into my building and seeing the star on our Christmas tree through the window

The first moments in bed at night, reading, and the first moments after the light is out, snuggling

Getting an audition

Completing a transcription project (side jobs, sigh)

The weight of the cat when she lies on my legs

Realizing you’ve memorized something faster than you thought you could

Wearing a cute outfit to a student meeting and feeling important

Lots of red wine and the Sound of Music live telecast

People who read my blog. 🙂



It’s time. I’m not getting any less obsessive, and I’m not feeling any better. It’s time to make a change.

I’m detoxing from A’s ex. I’ve cleared my search histories so her Facebook, blog, and Instagram don’t pop up. My laptop, iPad, and iPhone are clean.

She’s a part of our relationship, and she’s a part of what I look at every day, and it’s not good. She doesn’t even live here anymore. She’s living with someone else in the South. Her life depresses me. SHE depresses me. I don’t like her. I feel sorry for her, which is worse. And none of that makes me feel good about me.

So here we go. Time to focus on the here and now. No more stalking. No more self-flagellation (because that’s what this is– self-harm via feeling less-than this girl who he was going to marry, this girl who lived here and slept in this bed, this girl who was with him four years).

I’ll let you know how it goes.


Treatment Options for Binge Eating Disorder

This is amazing. I 100% support everything written here, and I have used many of these tools in my (pretty much complete? Eek!) recovery.

Dear Bee

Question from a lovely reader this morning: 

I was wondering what the treatment options are for Binge Eating Disorder. Obviously there are different severities of the disorder and different treatments needed for different people on a case-by-case basis, but I was wondering if maybe you could summarize some of the options out there for some of us.

Basically what I’m saying is, I have Binge Eating Disorder, and it is currently running and ruining my life. I really really need help but I want to know what I’m in for. Is inpatient a thing that happens with BED, ever? Is it usually therapy? What goes on for a typical patient, what is considered “severe,” etc…. I don’t know if there’s one good question in there to answer, but I’m really hoping you might have a bit of input, given that you are a) in recovery and b) on your way…

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I’m trying to keep my mind distracted from the incredibly anxiety-producing election returns. Lying here with a cat on my lap and a boy clacking away on his computer across from me, writing.

I just stumbled upon a blog written by my boy’s ex that she’s keeping secret. I had known about her previous blog because it’s linked to her Twitter, which I found from googling (YES I’m a stalker, try and convince me you’re not too). She’s made me anxious because they had been together for so long (4ish years), they had gotten this apartment together, and they were on the fast track to… something very big.

Anyway, this new blog doesn’t have her name on it, but I know it’s her because I follow her Twitter– and the blog is all about “Can I find a man who…”

If I didn’t know it was her before, I know based on what she writes about wanting. There are MANY traits that A has that she elucidates: he leaves love notes. He remembers everything I tell him. He’s funny.

There’s something so schaudenfreude about the whole thing… I guess I’ve been the girl that got the guy a number of times (although I have NEVER in my life thought about it like that, like stealing or winning), but there’s something that makes me feel special for having something that someone else no longer does. Does that make me a bad person?

She writes this (clearly about me): “Like, 3 or 4 year relationship ends and a few weeks later, my ex is facebook official with some girl that either looks a lot like me or that everyone says “if she weren’t with _____, you’d be friends with her!  you guys would get along so well!”  ….Shut up.  No, we wouldn’t.  Because she is with _______.  And because of that, I think she’s ugly and stupid and probably really, really lame.  And well, when she looks a lot like me, that just weirds me out.”

Okay. I’m not trying to throw this girl under the bus, just to be clear. I am sure she’s lovely. Anyone who spent 4 years with A must be. I have no beef with the girl. We’ve never met!

But again… there’s this part of me that relishes feeling better than her (I know, I know, I am the WORST).

We don’t look the same. My hair is blonde-ish. I weight at least 20 pounds less. SO PETTY SO AWFUL but it makes me feel good?!

And knowing that she has stalked me too, and that she knows she no longer has A…. It’s a weird good/bad feeling that I can’t describe. I’m not sure what it is… but I had to share it and I sure as hell can’t share it with anyone who actually knows me or A (!).

Love to all. Check in again soon.


Next weekend, A’s ex (who he still works with, though he’s leaving the job this month) is going away for a wedding, so A agreed to cover her and work and to take care of their dog (who they bought together but now lives with her).

Today, A goes into work, and the ex tells him that she’s going to board the dog. She’s not letting A watch her.

Is it just me, or is that BULLSHIT? A is remarkable in his ability to compartmentalize and move on (maybe it’s a boy thing or just a not emotionally-present-over-therapized person thing), but I could tell from his texts that this hurt him.

And rightly so, right? She’s taking away his “right” to care for the dog that, in theory, they share. Almost as though she’s saying he’s no longer good enough or responsible enough or important enough to do her that FAVOR and be a part of the dog’s life. And I don’t know how much explanation she gave or what the conversation is like, but there was no buildup to this.

Shared custody is a bitch.

So is she.