Day 44 (and Vent City)

journal44 copyI was doing so well with:

1. Filling out these daily pages

2. Not stalking A’s ex

But lately, I’ve been failing with both. Horrifically.

What is my fucking obsession? What? I really calmed down for a while (she moved away, didn’t post as much, etc) but now it’s constant. I think about her a lot. I look at her Twitter, her Instagram, her Facebook, her Pinterest, obsessively. I look at all her pictures. I think about her when I talk to him.

SHE DOESN’T EVEN LIVE IN NYC ANYMORE. So why is this starting up again?

Maybe part of it is the prep for R’s wedding. My rational mind isn’t at all ready to marry, and doesn’t want to, but my emotional mind is screaming, “why doesn’t he want to make the commitment?! He wanted to make the commitment to HER. I wish he would SAY things he said to her, like ‘I can’t wait to get on one knee’ and ‘you’ll be a great mom.'” I truly, truly think that if I didn’t know that he’d had that with someone else, I WOULDN’T care, because I don’t really care about those things in a vacuum.

But she existed.
And she lived here.
And she was going to marry him.

And he doesn’t talk about her anymore. I’m not sure he thinks about her anymore. And instead of that making me feel better, it makes me feel WORSE. It makes me afraid that I’m just as disposable. That, in time, I will transform from his one love into “whatshername,” which is what he calls her now. He doesn’t have as many friends as I do, and he doesn’t get particularly attached to things. When it comes to relationships, that scares me. I don’t WANT to be scared of that, and if I believed him 100% of the time I wouldn’t be scared of that. But for some reason, a part of me doubts.

Why can’t I believe him when he tells me that I’m special, and I’m the best, and he loves me more than he ever loved anyone? Do I really not believe him, or do I just need a bit more encouragement? What kind of encouragement beyond what he already does– tell me he loves me, can’t wait to see me, misses me when I’m gone, touches me, makes me things, takes me places, goes places with me…? That’s more than most get.

I have a really bad habit of comparing myself to other people. Including this girl who is so far out of our world now, there’s no reason to even know her name.

And yet.

And yet.

Clingy

A comes home on Tuesday. He called tonight from his barracks. I could only hear about half of what he said, I think because he’s so rural, so it was an awkward conversation. He becomes frustrated when I’m unresponsive– when I’m not talking enough to him, or not fully answering questions, like I’m irritated with him or something. This has been a pattern with boys, and it terrifies me to no end. I had an ex break up with me because he felt I was always “disconnected.” So by admitting that I was having trouble hearing, I thought I would ease some of that. You know, “this is why I keep saying, ‘uh-huh,’ and ‘sure.'”

And yet… it didn’t help. When I admitted that I was having trouble hearing, I felt awfully guilty. It still felt awkward.

I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. I’m anxious about having him back. Of course I’ve missed him, of course I love him, of course! But it was awkward on the phone.

I shouldn’t be worried. I can’t even form a cohesive thought right now, god knows why. Honestly, I’m exhausted. I can’t think straight. I can’t focus on anything beyond what is happening right now. This is an incredibly exhausting place to be in. I think that’s probably what’s going on with my nerves.

In other news, I still stalk A’s ex. Now that she doesn’t live in NYC, it makes me feel less of… well, anything, really. I just get bored and my own friends are less interesting. 😉

Anyhow, one of the things A and I have discussed about her is that she tends to hold onto things very tightly. She needs to belong. So she is super loyal to her hometown, super proud of her college, converted to Mormonism for her first husband (YEAH), GOT MARRIED AT 21, and of course, A was also one of those things. That seems to be part of the reason they lasted as long as they did. Even when they were going in different directions, he was her stability.

I look at her Instagram and I can really see this trait. When she’s in a show, all she can talk about is the show. When it’s over, she misses it. When she’s working at camp, she’s 100% IN LOVE with camp, and when it’s over, she misses it so much and posts about it all the time! The show is not present anymore. Nor is NYC.

Now, I get attached too. When I’m working on a project, yes, I do get invested in it. And yet, there’s a sense of overwhelming neediness to her postings. “Miss my crew today!” “A box full of fun memories!” “Sad to leave my best friends in the world!” And all of this about people she knew for a month, maybe.

I post about my shows. I post about my life. But I don’t ever really talk about what I “miss.” Here I do, sure, like about last summer in Jersey and whatnot, but never really anywhere else. I guess I’m lucky that my life is full enough that I can focus on each new project as it comes.

So. I guess I’m being judge-y, but there are my two cents.

I’m glad I’m me and not her.