Ch-ch-ch-changes! (and bachelorette pics)

Some thoughts.

1. It is crazy to live somewhere long enough that you start to see how it changes. Where you grow up doesn’t count, since you can’t vote or really interact with the community at all, except through your parents. But I’ve lived in NYC for over six years now, and so much has happened. I’m about to vote for mayor for the first time (Bloomberg had three terms)– DiBlasio all the way! When I moved here, the yellow line had N,Q,R and W trains and the orange line was F and V. There is no longer a W line, and the V line is now the M. Huh? We have new taxis that only work uptown (110-215th st), and they’re green! There’s no Village Voice theatre column anymore, and the guy who used to write it is now teaching Theatre History where I work. Tiny things, but noticeable, when you take the time to see them.4732140834_6542bd62b0

2. I found out some great stuff a couple nights ago about that the episode I shot of the Discovery ID show a couple weeks ago. i was at a bar with two of my dearest friends, one of whose husband was the director of the episode. She told me that not only was I her husband’s first choice for the role, but the network loved me too– and the real kicker was that I had fight experience, which made the network excited. The CD, from a large office in NYC, was apparently excited about my work too– he asked, “why have I never called her in?” to which this director responds, “’cause you’re a fucking idiot.” Also, it seems the network is really enthused about the episode altogether– it’s definitely the most complex fight choreography and most gruesome death they’ve ever filmed, and Discovery ID does ONLY murder shows. I cannnnnnnnooooootttttt wait to see it. It was so so so much fun. 🙂

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3. A’s away at army AGAIN. I’m not pleased. It’s a long time! And he’s been gone a lot! He hates how much I hate it, I think mostly because it makes him feel guilty. I appreciate the privacy, but I’d prefer the privacy came without him having to do something he hates while I go about my normal life. It’s not fair.

4. THE WEDDING IS A WEEK FROM TOMORROW!! We’re all freaking out. I can’t imagine how R feels! Our dresses are done, and we through an epic weekend bachelorette party over the Columbus Day weekend! Check out all the pics:

The dresses!

The dresses!

Personalized champagne flutes upon arrival in CT!

Personalized champagne flutes upon arrival in CT!

Gorgeous table setting.

Gorgeous table setting.

The most delicious meal I've had in... years!!

The most delicious meal I’ve had in… years!!

Penis funfetti cupcakes, 'cause you just have to.

Penis funfetti cupcakes, ’cause you just have to.

2nd night was snacks and homemade dinner and movies! (we didn't watch any because we talked all night... but how cute is this?!)

2nd night was snacks and homemade dinner and movies! (we didn’t watch any because we talked all night… but how cute is this?!)

Team Rachel.

Team Rachel.

Beautiful ladies in a beautiful sunset in beautiful Newtown, CT.

Beautiful ladies in a beautiful sunset in beautiful Newtown, CT.

 

 

 

 

A Few Things (including pasta)

A few thoughts this late night in Washington Heights, in a queen bed, alone, while my cat drinks cold water from the glass by my bed.

1. This happened: http://goo.gl/HP0u35

2. Had tech tonight for the next show I’m doing (which doesn’t open till the 16th, but, hey, festivals.) It went fairly smoothly as far as tech goes, but because it’s a festival, we get only FOUR hours (3-7pm) to tech our 90 minute show, including staging the fifteen minute load in and fifteen minute load out. That is the ONLY time we have in the space till we open. Just to compare, most techs for full-lengths involve two 10/12 hour days, plus a dress onstage, before previews or performances begin. I cannot yet tell if this show will be any good. Frankly, I don’t care. I just want to open, and do the show (which is fun, since, ya know, acting is fun), and stop having 5 hour nightly rehearsals. Because that shit is EXHAUSTING. The disorganization is rampant and I’m over it. I’ve officially become the bitch of the cast because I JUST CAN’T WITH INEFFICIENCY. So.

3. Read WINTERGIRLS for the first time. It finally was available for download on my iPad, so I just did the damn thing. I read about it a lot when I first started reading ED blogs, but just never got around to it. (I tend to prefer memoir to fiction, anyway, and most of what I read didn’t necessarily hit that close to home as far as my ED goes). It’s a well-written book, if overwrought. SPEAK was definitely stronger, but who am I to judge. What probably hit me the most about it was the memory of feeling hungry. I obvioously still feel hungry now, but the pervasive hunger of not eating enough on a regular basis… that feels different. And it’s been a long while, and was only a brief portion of my disorder, but… Here’s what I found.

Starving made (and makes) me angry. Being hungry sharpens things, sure, and I’m more productive, but I’m also touchy. I’m isolated. Everybody and everything annoys me. It’s manic, but it’s also pissy. I’m never more outwardly angry than when I’m hungry.

Binging makes me sad. I turn inward here, too, but for different reasons. I want to be invisible. People don’t piss me off– I just feel as though I don’t deserve to be near anyone, like I’m worthless and I want to be alone. It’s almost more painful because of the shame. Not eating isn’t shameful. I don’t care what anyone says. For women, and anyone who has ever experienced an ED, eating is shameful. Not eating means self-control. This is not the objective truth, but it is the truth we live every day in this society. I would get more auditions if I was starving than if I was binging. If I’m sick from not eating, that’s almost understandable. If I’m sick because I tear into myself with food, punish every body part, my stomach and my brain in particular, I lack self-control.

That was another aspect that I appreciated about the book. Binging is no good either.

4. Was down on Suffolk St. at the theatre, and realized I was very close to where J and R just moved in on Orchard. I texted them and asked what they were up to for the evening. They told me they were free, and that I should come over after tech. I did. We chatted a bit, then went out, split a bottle of wine, ate STUPID good and STUPID expensive food because we can, and then saw FRUITVALE STATION. Also stupid good. And stupid sad. It was genuine and fun and I felt like I had friends and it just all in all was a really, really, really excellent night.

5. I ate pasta for dinner.

Now, I haven’t restricted, really, in years. Certainly not to the point where I’m actively refusing things and avoiding eating when I’m hungry etc etc. But there’s still this part of me that knows what’s “good” to eat and what’s “bad.” Which certainly doesn’t stop me from having French Fries and dessert whenever I feel like it (which I do, and only slightly feel guilty about). But pasta. I haven’t ordered pasta in… I don’t even know. A long ass time. Even when I’m home and mom makes pasta, I tend to take a small serving and have a lot of salad or protein. What is my beef with pasta if I can eat ANYTHING else I want?!

But I had it. It was SO good. Black pasta with grilled calamari, garlic breadcrumbs, and some sort of buttery garlic sauce. This was following a yummy grilled shimp and quinoa appetizer we split, and along with a couple of glasses of merlot. This is the life, y’all. And I feel A-OK about it. I didn’t finish it. I didn’t need to. This, my friends, is rare. I’m a finisher now. If it’s there, I feel obligated to finish it. That’s, kinda, how the behavior started.

6. So anyway, I should head to bed since I should do laundry tomorrow. 😦

Love to everyone.

Love to my boy who is asleep in a bunk on a base in Vermont.

Love to my ice-water-loving cat.

Tony Sunday

If there’s one night of the year when my Twitter and Facebook are unbearable, it’s Tony Sunday. In my field, everyone has seen the shows, everyone knows someone in them, and anyone can get a ticket to the show or find an afterparty to take them in. Six Degrees of Broadway here, y’all. I have friends who went because they intern with the producer of Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike, friends who star in Rock of Ages, friends that work front-of-house for Kinky Boots, and a friend who AD-ed The Assembled Parties and is the stalwart partner of the director of Who’s Afraid of Viginia Woolf.

Me? I stayed home with A and L and drank too much wine. My first Tonys will be for my first Broadway show. And who knows. I might pull a Cecily Tyson and win at age 88.

But it was a good Tonys with lovely company in the comfort of my living room In the Heights (get it?). Every time L says how much she loves the two of us and every time A and L have moments where they are like any old friends, not brought together by circumstance.

I really wish I felt inspired to write, but by the end of the night last night, I felt inspired to act. And that, after all, is why I do all this, you know? So I’ll share a little of where that inspiration came last night. I recommend checking the telecast clips on YouTube.

from NPH’s Opening Number

“Nothing is bigger and better than seeing a veteran get an ovation.

Or seeing a brilliant beginner freak out when they win on their first nomination.

There’s a kid in the middle of nowhere who’s sitting and living for Tony performances

singing and flipping along with the Pippins and Wiggits and Kinkys, Matildas and Mormons-es.

So we might reassure that kid
and do something to spur that kid,
cause I promise you all of us up here tonight,
we WERE that kid.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BraXq07kkM

Judith Light, Best Featured Actress in a Play

“And to all of you in this community for your discipline and your devotion and your dedication, you lift our culture with your artistry. You inspire me. And I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be a part of you and call you my family.”

“And to all of you in this community for your discipline and your devotion and your dedication, you lift our culture with your artistry. You inspire me. And I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be a part of you and call you my family.”

 

 

 

Gabriel Ebert, Best Featured Actor in a Musical (he’s 26, so.)
“They didn’t get the mic high enough, but just being in this room is just really incredible and to be in this category with these paragons of men. I am so honored and grateful and slightly freaked out. And lastly, to Scott and to my mom and my dad, I hope that I have done and shall continue to make you proud. This is incredible. Thank you so much. Let’s make really good plays.”

“They didn’t get the mic high enough, but just being in this room is just really incredible and to be in this category with these paragons of men. I am so honored and grateful and slightly freaked out. And lastly, to Scott and to my mom and my dad, I hope that I have done and shall continue to make you proud. This is incredible. Thank you so much. Let’s make really good plays.”

Cyndi Lauper, Best Original Score

“I want to thank Broadway for welcoming me. You know. This city it’s… I understand how hard you work and I’ve never been a stranger to hard work, but your hard work inspires me.”

“I want to thank Broadway for welcoming me. You know. This city it’s… I understand how hard you work and I’ve never been a stranger to hard work, but your hard work inspires me.”

 

 

Andrea Martin, Best Featured Actress in a Musical
“I ran up here like a longshoreman because I know we only have 75 seconds, I’m so sorry… I’m so nervous, and I’m gonna put this down. [puts her Tony on the ground.] …  Yannick Thomas, my partner in the sky. Je t’adore.  Do you know how wonderful it is for a woman my age to be held by a man like that and never be dropped. It’s unbelievable.”

“I ran up here like a longshoreman because I know we only have 75 seconds, I’m so sorry… I’m so nervous, and I’m gonna put this down. [puts her Tony on the ground.] …  Yannick Thomas, my partner in the sky. Je t’adore.  Do you know how wonderful it is for a woman my age to be held by a man like that and never be dropped. It’s unbelievable.”

 

Martha Lavey, Best Revival of a Play

“We salute our colleague theaters across the country whose commitment with their artists and their communities to telling the human story enlivens the poetry of our collective life. With a special nod to the Chicago community where Steppenwolf has had its home for 37 years. And whose artists, theaters, audience, critical community and civic leadership are committed to a rich cultural life and have made Chicago a great, great theatre town. We are so proud.”We salute our colleague theaters across the country whose commitment with their artists and their communities to telling the human story enlivens the poetry of our collective life. With a special nod to the Chicago community where Steppenwolf has had its home for 37 years. And whose artists, theaters, audience, critical community and civic leadership are committed to a rich cultural life and have made Chicago a great, great theatre town. We are so proud.”

Tracy Letts, Best Actor in a Play (full speech because it’s that good. Also this guy has two Tonys in acting and writing and a Pulitzer for writing)

It’s so overwhelming. This is for my mom and dad. They encouraged a love of the arts and an appreciation for the written word that have enriched my life beyond measure. Mr. Hanks, Mr. Lane, Mr. Pierce, Mr. Sturridge you are not my competition, you are my peers and I am proud to be in your company. I share this with Amy Morton, with Carrie Coon, with the criminally undersung Madison Dirks, with Pam McKinnon for her expert captaincy and with Edward Albee for his enduring work of art. And I share this, actually, with not only everybody in this room but all the actors in Chicago, and in storefronts, and everybody who does this crazy, insane, frustrating job, the greatest job on earth. We are the ones who say it to their faces and we have a unique responsibility. I will cherish this always, thank you.”

It’s so overwhelming. This is for my mom and dad. They encouraged a love of the arts and an appreciation for the written word that have enriched my life beyond measure. Mr. Hanks, Mr. Lane, Mr. Pierce, Mr. Sturridge you are not my competition, you are my peers and I am proud to be in your company. I share this with Amy Morton, with Carrie Coon, with the criminally undersung Madison Dirks, with Pam McKinnon for her expert captaincy and with Edward Albee for his enduring work of art. And I share this, actually, with not only everybody in this room but all the actors in Chicago, and in storefronts, and everybody who does this crazy, insane, frustrating job, the greatest job on earth. We are the ones who say it to their faces and we have a unique responsibility. I will cherish this always, thank you.”

Cicely Tyson, Best Actress in a Play (also in full)

“Thou ate the potter, I’m only the clay. When I think of the moment where I stand before, this moment, I cannot help but remember all of the thumbprints that have touched this being during the course of her career. My mother and father, my sister and brother, none of whom are here with me. I’m the sole surviving member of my immediate family and I’ve asked over and over again, why? I now know why. It’s been 30 years since I stood on this stage. I really didn’t think it would happen again in my lifetime and I was pretty comfortable with that. Except that I had this burning desire for just one more. One more great role, I said, I didn’t want to be greedy. I just wanted one more. And it came to me through no effort on my part. Ben Ramsey, Hallie Foote, Michael, Bill Haber and the entire Haber family who have nurtured me for the last 40 years, M.J. who has paid the greatest price for my success. The American Theatre Wing for welcoming me home. Please wrap it up, it says. Well that’s exactly what you did with me. You wrapped me up in your arms after 30 years. Now I can go home with a Tony. God Bless you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Thou ate the potter, I’m only the clay. When I think of the moment where I stand before, this moment, I cannot help but remember all of the thumbprints that have touched this being during the course of her career. My mother and father, my sister and brother, none of whom are here with me. I’m the sole surviving member of my immediate family and I’ve asked over and over again, why? I now know why. It’s been 30 years since I stood on this stage. I really didn’t think it would happen again in my lifetime and I was pretty comfortable with that. Except that I had this burning desire for just one more. One more great role, I said, I didn’t want to be greedy. I just wanted one more. And it came to me through no effort on my part. Ben Ramsey, Hallie Foote, Michael, Bill Haber and the entire Haber family who have nurtured me for the last 40 years, M.J. who has paid the greatest price for my success. The American Theatre Wing for welcoming me home. Please wrap it up, it says. Well that’s exactly what you did with me. You wrapped me up in your arms after 30 years. Now I can go home with a Tony. God Bless you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Finally, somehow this didn’t win Best Musical but who the fuck cares because it is perhaps my favorite musical ever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Evj1z3l5hco

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Superbowl Sunday (for movie geeks)

Ladiez and Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… Superbowl Sunday for the movie nerds is fast approaching…

IT’S OSCAR TIME.

Those of you who have followed my blog for a while know that I really like to see movies and plays and (these days, with the wealth of great options) TV. What can I say? We all have our “things.” I have the distinct pleasure of living in NYC, where it’s as easy as hopping on a subway to catch the latest indie darling at the Angelika, or the newest British transfer to Broadway.

Now, artsy people aren’t known to be as competitive as, say, sports people. We don’t paint our faces and scream at each other. We don’t tune in every week to catch the big game. But if you’ve ever spent time around a bunch of intelligent, opinionated, well-read, -watched, and -listened artists (i.e. my friends), you will think we’re in the midst of a football huddle if you stumble upon us in a bar around this time of year.

We take this shit seriously.

One of the fun things about the Oscars, in particular, is that there really is a sort of underground, buzzy, pre-awards chatter. It’s sort of what I imagine it’s like when teams are picking their players (that does happen, right?) or people discuss the odds of a certain team winning. It’s opinion, it’s loyalty, and most of all, it’s the politics of the biz.

Every year my friends and I host a big Oscar shindig. I volunteered to host this year. Phewf. That’s another story. Everyone dresses up (formal attire, contrary to the misheard instruction of the one girl who showed up dressed as Juno one year), and everyone brings a dish wittily labeled to match a movie or movie person from that years’ ceremonies. This is the flag in the cap of our Oscar parties. This is where you prove your mettle. Previous favorite wordplay titles off the top of my head:

Up in the Eclairs
Mickey Rour-quiche and Marisa Tomei-toes (The Wrestler)
Another Year R and J didn’t come up with a title
Milk (I mean, really though)
Jes-sesame noodles in The Soba Network
CokeZero Dark Thirty
Hugo-gurt

Anyhow, all that aside, clearly we’re obsessed. Okay, I’ll single myself out. I’m obsessed. (I’m not alone, but I take responsibility for my own crazy).

I’ve seen almost everything this year. The only thing I HAVE to see before Feb. 24 is Zero Dark Thirty.

Now, hopefully you know that the noms came out yesterday. Big. Day. And the Academy went fuckin’ rogue for the most part. Even the awards bloggers who seem fairly certain about how things will go think something could cause a major upset. I mean, I know exactly what I want to happen.

Do you care about the Oscars?
What are your predictions?
What did you think of these films?
What’s your favorite movie of the year?
What did you HATE?

(also, don’t worry, I’m verbose at the beginning but it gets better toward the end)

So here, for your viewing pleasure, my personal analysis of the:

Nominations for the 85th Academy Awards

Best motion picture of the year
My prediction for this category was almost 100% correct. My only mistake? I put The Master instead of Amour. I’m pissed that The Master missed its BP nom. I understand (it came out early in the year, it’s tough subject matter, no one likes Joaquin as a dude, there’s no “plot”), but I REALLY liked it. A LOT. If you’re a movie lover, it’s so worth checking out. To the casual observer, it may be slow, complex, and obtuse. But at the very least, if you take NOTHING else from this blog post, see the interview scene with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix. It’s maybe one of the most incredible scenes ever put on film. I don’t think I breathed ONCE.

  • “Amour”
    Okay, to be fair, haven’t seen this either. I’m sorry… I love movies, but sad French movies about old people… Just not in the mood.

  • “Argo”
    This could be an upset, though it’s looking less and less likely. Honestly, I saw Argo and Lincoln in a double feature a while ago, and liked Argo better. After a second viewing of Lincoln, I’m on its team, but Argo really was a FUN, smart, excellent thriller. What can I say? I love the genre, I love the actors, I love the humor, and I was literally on the edge of my seat.
  • “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
    Maybe my favorite movie of the year. I KNOW, I know, and I don’t want it to win BP, but guys… It was beautiful, and moving, and brave, and full of heart and soul. I haven’t seen a movie with quite that much chutzpah in… maybe ever. The girl was fucking amazing, the images were powerful, sure it was at times overwrought, but I was with it every. single. second. of the way. If you haven’t seen this movie, see it. It’s magical. It’s flawed. It’s big. It’s low-budget. But it’s so FULL, I dare you not to feel something.

  • “Django Unchained”
    I can go a few different ways with Tarantino. I don’t like the Kill Bills, but I did like Inglorious Basterds. No, it’s not “my” kind of movie, yes it was long, yes I was offended and felt uncomfortable. But if you go in knowing to expect that and you let yourself experience it, I dunno, Tarantino can get really fun. I still think I liked IB more, but Django had a couple of GREAT scenes (maybe the funniest scene of the movie, and the whole movie season, involves a pack of KKK members whining about the poor sewing job done on their white hoods), good performances (Waltz, DiCaprio, Foxx), and some genuinely intelligent moments. But I don’t think I can give a full endorsement to a movie where I had my eyes AND ears closed for at least five minutes total. Oh, also, they should’ve cut the second ending. Ya know what I mean if you saw it.

  • “Les Misérables”
    A fucking shitshow. I can’t believe I’m in the minority here, but I have no idea what on earth Tom Hooper thought he was doing. A mess, top, bottom, and sideways. I could write an epic blog post on THIS.

  • “Life of Pi”
    Beautiful! That’s my review. Haha, I mean, it’s really good. But in a year of really good movies, what makes this stand out is: “Beautiful!”

  • “Lincoln” – MY PICK / MY PREDICTION
    When I think about what movie I want to win BP, I try to think about what I think a BP should be. Of course it needs to be the strongest movie overall (acting, direction, design, writing, etc), but in a year of good movies, what constitutes the “best picture?” I think the Oscar should go to the film that will last. It doesn’t have to be a big movie, but it has to have something to say. We shouldn’t forget about it in ten years. I liked Lincoln the first time. The second time, I became convinced that by my criteria, Lincoln should win Best Picture. I may have been more attached to BOTSW, but I think Lincoln is the best film. This is “the” Lincoln movie. They did it. It’s definitive. And THAT’s a Best Picture.

  • “Silver Linings Playbook”
    Ugh. See my blog post: Silver Linings

  • “Zero Dark Thirty”
    I haven’t seen it– bad, bad me. I KNOW it’s going to be “good.” Of course! It might even be technically the “best” picture of the year. I find some of the torture stuff problematic, but I’m sure it’s good. I’m just gunning for Lincoln, folks. Gotta stand my ground. Plus, I know this is a dumb thing to say but… Didn’t Hurt Locker JUST win? So maybe let’s not re-award it? (ouch, that was mean)

 

Performance by an actor in a leading role
I woulda taken John Hawkes in The Sessions over Denzel (alum pride ova here, though!), but otherwise this was how I thought it would go. Dwight Henry for BOTSW was on a lot of peoples’ lists, and he was incredible, but I think it’s fair he was left off. For as much as I loved that movie, I know it wasn’t all “craft” in terms of the acting. Henry is a baker– that’s literally his job– who the filmmakers asked to be in the film. As much as I love crowd-sourcing low-budget movies, and as good as he was… I’m guiltily okay with sticking to the mainstream in this category. Strong category this year, too!!

  • Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook

  • Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln  — MY PICK / MY PREDICTION

  • Hugh Jackman in Les Misérables
    I love Hugh. But guys, he’s a baritone. And Valjean is a tenor. So… yeah, that’s why his voice sounds like that! And it’s not supposed to! Just FYI!!
  • Joaquin Phoenix in The Master
    I will say, I think Joaquin gave the most interesting, engaging, and powerful performance of the year. It was like he invented a new way of acting onscreen. I’ve never seen anything like it. He won’t win, and I do admit he scares me a little, but Jesus. I’ve NEVER seen a performance like the one he gave. NEVER.

  • Denzel Washington in Flight

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Strong category here too! My only prediction misstep was discounting Alan Arkin. Again, he won’t win, but I do love the love for Argo. It’s just such a MOVIE! And it’s good! I feel like that’s a relatively new thing– a mainstream genre film (i.e. Argo is a high budget thriller) that is well-written, directed, acted, and asks larger questions and deals with larger issues. You go, Ben Affleck!

  • Alan Arkin in Argo

  • Robert De Niro in Silver Linings Playbook

  • Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master MY PICK / MY PREDICTION
    I’ll bet this is the only nod The Master gets in terms of wins. While I think Joaquin stole the show, Phil was amazing. Sometimes I find him hard to read as an actor, but he balanced the complexities of this role impeccably. Extremely unsettling to watch him navigate through the film.
  • Tommy Lee Jones in Lincoln
    God knows I love TLG in this performance. I think he was the heart and soul of the movie. I just think he’s a little “goofy old dude” to take it. And for some reason not everyone loved him as much as I did.
  • Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained

Achievement in directing
SHIT GOT SO REAL HERE! Huge snubs that NO ONE predicted (even the bloggers who usually can catch the weirdness early): no Bigelow (ZDT), no Affleck, (Argo), and no Hooper (Les Mis). Instead, we got Haneke, Zeitlin, and O. Russell/Lee! Holy Shit!

  • “Amour” Michael Haneke
  • “Beasts of the Southern Wild” Benh Zeitlin
  • “Life of Pi” Ang Lee
  • “Lincoln” Steven Spielberg — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION
  • “Silver Linings Playbook” David O. Russell
    Tell me I’m not crazy… after The Fighter, this shit is cliche, dumb, and fluffy. Right?!

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Really, a stupid category this time around. For a year of great movies, the choices were really limited. I’m REALLY scared Jennifer Lawrence will win for playing a really pretty girl who shows that in pretty girls, mental illness = fun quirky sexpot!! Yay! True love! Vomit. No one was more on the JLaw train than I when Winter’s Bone came out, but now? And for this? No, girl. I’m not condoning it.

  • Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty – MY PICK
    I haven’t seen it. Whatever. It’s a crappy category and I didn’t see
    Amour and frankly, I have no doubt Chastain is great. Ugh. I hate years like this.
  • Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook —
    When ZDT was looking like it would take the cake, I predicted Chastain. But now, with the “golden four” acting noms (the first time since Reds that a movie has actors nominated in all four categories) and with none of the other three winning, I have a feeling it’ll go this way. Sigh. I’m unhappy, truly unhappy about this.

  • Emmanuelle Riva in Amour

  • Quvenzhané Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild
    I reallllllly wanted this adorable 5 (yes FIVE!) year old to be nominated. No, she shouldn’t win, no, she won’t win, but by golly was that a tour de force, huh?!
  • Naomi Watts in The Impossible

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Rough year for the ladies!! This was pretty much what I predicted except for the completely nonsensical inclusion of Jacki Weaver. I mean, yeah, she’s good, but like, WHAT? Really though, WHAT? That surprised EVERYONE. She hasn’t one a single previous award this season– usually a sure sign you won’t get an Oscar nom. In my predictions, I put Ann Dowd for Compliance in that slot, mostly just because of wishful thinking– the woman’s been around for YEARS and is just a delight.

  • Amy Adams in “The Master”
    I mean, I’d take her career, I guess. And by I guess I mean GIVE IT TO ME.
  • Sally Field in “Lincoln” — MY PICK
    So the thing is that no one likes Mary Todd. Anyone who knows anything about American history knows she was legitimately crazy, depressed, a pain on Lincoln’s mind and wallet, and fat and ugly. (one of my dearest friends made the AMAZING comment that if you take away the “fat and ugly” part of that, she’s just like Jennifer Lawrence in SLP!!) And even in this movie, she’s not likeable. Sally Field doesn’t make her likeable, really, but you understand her. And even if not that, you tolerate her. Which is some kind of achievement. Plus she’s eloquent and delightful and has been around and she wanted this part SO BADLY.
  • Anne Hathaway in “Les Misérables” —MY PREDICTION
    Again, I can’t talk about Les Mis. I can’t. It makes me too angry. Suffice it to say I think this is bullshit and I think Anne Hathaway (who I used to think was charming) is the WORST.
  • Helen Hunt in “The Sessions”
  • Jacki Weaver in “Silver Linings Playbook”

Best animated feature film of the year
I mean, I saw none of these. Whoops!

  • “Brave” Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION
  • “Frankenweenie” Tim Burton
  • “ParaNorman” Sam Fell and Chris Butler
  • “The Pirates! Band of Misfits” Peter Lord
  • “Wreck-It Ralph” Rich Moore

Adapted screenplay

  • “Argo” Screenplay by Chris Terrio
  • “Beasts of the Southern Wild” Screenplay by Lucy Alibar & Benh Zeitlin
  • “Life of Pi” Screenplay by David Magee
  • “Lincoln” Screenplay by Tony Kushner — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION
  • “Silver Linings Playbook” Screenplay by David O. Russell

Original screenplay

  • “Amour” Written by Michael Haneke
  • “Django Unchained”Written by Quentin Tarantino
  • “Flight” Written by John Gatins
  • “Moonrise Kingdom” Written by Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola
  • “Zero Dark Thirty” Written by Mark Boal —MY PICK/MY PREDICTION

Achievement in cinematography

  • “Anna Karenina” Seamus McGarvey
  • “Django Unchained” Robert Richardson
  • “Life of Pi” Claudio Miranda
  • “Lincoln” Janusz Kaminski — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION
  • “Skyfall” Roger Deakins

Best foreign language film of the year

  • “Amour” Austria —MY PICK/MY PREDICTION
  • “Kon-Tiki” Norway
  • “No” Chile
  • “A Royal Affair” Denmark
  • “War Witch” Canada

Best documentary feature

  • “5 Broken Cameras”
    Emad Burnat and Guy Davidi
  • “The Gatekeepers”
    Nominees to be determined
  • “How to Survive a Plague”
    Nominees to be determined
  • “The Invisible War” — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION (SEE THIS MOVIE– it’s on Netflix Instant and is completely amazing and utterly devastating)
    Nominees to be determined
  • “Searching for Sugar Man”
    Nominees to be determined

Best documentary short subject
Who knows?!

  • “Inocente”
    Sean Fine and Andrea Nix Fine
  • “Kings Point”
    Sari Gilman and Jedd Wider
  • “Mondays at Racine”
    Cynthia Wade and Robin Honan
  • “Open Heart”
    Kief Davidson and Cori Shepherd Stern
  • “Redemption”
    Jon Alpert and Matthew O’Neill

Achievement in film editing

  • “Argo” William Goldenberg
  • “Life of Pi” Tim Squyres
  • “Lincoln” Michael Kahn — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION
  • “Silver Linings Playbook” Jay Cassidy and Crispin Struthers
  • “Zero Dark Thirty” Dylan Tichenor and William Goldenberg

Achievement in costume design

  • “Anna Karenina” Jacqueline Durran
  • “Les Misérables” Paco Delgado
  • “Lincoln” Joanna Johnston — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION
  • “Mirror Mirror” Eiko Ishioka
  • “Snow White and the Huntsman” Colleen Atwood

Achievement in makeup and hairstyling
I don’t even care enough to pick.

  • “Hitchcock”
    Howard Berger, Peter Montagna and Martin Samuel
  • “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
    Peter Swords King, Rick Findlater and Tami Lane
  • “Les Misérables” — MY PREDICTION
    Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
Where is BOTSW?! That is the only soundtrack I remember distinctly from any film this season!!

  • “Anna Karenina” Dario Marianelli
  • “Argo” Alexandre Desplat
  • “Life of Pi” Mychael Danna
  • “Lincoln” John Williams — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION
  • “Skyfall” Thomas Newman

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)

  • “Before My Time” from “Chasing Ice”
    Music and Lyric by J. Ralph
  • “Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from “Ted”
    Music by Walter Murphy; Lyric by Seth MacFarlane
  • “Pi’s Lullaby” from “Life of Pi”
    Music by Mychael Danna; Lyric by Bombay Jayashri
  • “Skyfall” from “Skyfall”  — MY PICK (c’mon, Adele)
    Music and Lyric by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth
  • “Suddenly” from “Les Misérables” — MY PREDICTION (ugh)
    Music by Claude-Michel Schönberg; Lyric by Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boublil

Achievement in production design

  • “Anna Karenina”
    Production Design: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
  • “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
    Production Design: Dan Hennah; Set Decoration: Ra Vincent and Simon Bright
  • “Les Misérables” — MY (upsetting, nihilistic) PREDICTION
    Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Anna Lynch-Robinson
  • “Life of Pi” — MY PICK
    Production Design: David Gropman; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
  • “Lincoln”
    Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson

Best animated short film
No one has seen these!!

  • “Adam and Dog” Minkyu Lee
  • “Fresh Guacamole” PES
  • “Head over Heels” Timothy Reckart and Fodhla Cronin O’Reilly
  • “Maggie Simpson in “The Longest Daycare” David Silverman
  • “Paperman” John Kahrs

Best live action short film
Or these!!

  • “Asad” Bryan Buckley and Mino Jarjoura
  • “Buzkashi Boys” Sam French and Ariel Nasr
  • “Curfew” Shawn Christensen
  • “Death of a Shadow (Dood van een Schaduw)” Tom Van Avermaet and Ellen De Waele
  • “Henry” Yan England

Achievement in sound editing

  • “Argo” Erik Aadahl and Ethan Van der Ryn
  • “Django Unchained” Wylie Stateman
  • “Life of Pi” Eugene Gearty and Philip Stockton
  • “Skyfall” Per Hallberg and Karen Baker Landers
  • “Zero Dark Thirty” Paul N.J. Ottosson — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION (anytime there are lots of bombs and guns, I generally thing that’s where it’ll go)

Achievement in sound mixing

  • “Argo”
    John Reitz, Gregg Rudloff and Jose Antonio Garcia
  • “Les Misérables” — MY PREDICTION (OMG they sang LIVE! Which no one has ever done and people in this town do eight times a week for years! Did I mention UGH?)
    Andy Nelson, Mark Paterson and Simon Hayes
  • “Life of Pi”
    Ron Bartlett, D.M. Hemphill and Drew Kunin
  • “Lincoln” — MY PICK
    Andy Nelson, Gary Rydstrom and Ronald Judkins
  • “Skyfall”
    Scott Millan, Greg P. Russell and Stuart Wilson

Achievement in visual effects

  • “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
    Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton and R. Christopher White
  • “Life of Pi” — MY PICK/MY PREDICTION
    Bill Westenhofer, Guillaume Rocheron, Erik-Jan De Boer and Donald R. Elliott
  • “Marvel’s The Avengers”
    Janek Sirrs, Jeff White, Guy Williams and Dan Sudick
  • “Prometheus”
    Richard Stammers, Trevor Wood, Charley Henley and Martin Hill
  • “Snow White and the Huntsman”
    Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, Philip Brennan, Neil Corbould and Michael Dawson

You can bask in my glow.

Two days of binging, because obviously. Show closed yesterday afternoon. Somehow I made it through without crying. Not so lucky with the ED behaviors, but, you know.

Saturday night, “that boy” came and saw the show. I bought him a ticket (though he didn’t really know that, and I just told him to give me $20 or a bottle of wine sometime), but he came. I’ve given him comps for every show before this, and yet he decides to drive all the way out to New Jersey to see this show?! I can’t explain it.

So he drove out. And I saw him out in the audience pre-show, in his flannel in the fourth row, far to house left, looking uncomfortable. And I rocked it. It was a great show. I mean, it always is, but it was great. And I came out after with my hair down, with the assurance of my fellow actors that “he’d be stupid not to want to get into your short shorts.”

I saw him, but meandered into the lobby on my own time, knowing he saw me, letting the “I’m talented and awesome” roll over him. I greeted my other friend who’d trekked out with her aunt, and introduced the two of them (she knows this story, but pretended she didn’t, until the end of the conversation when she says, “I’ve heard so much about you!”). I let him chat me up, but I held the reins of the conversation.

That night was the “cast party” held by the artistic directors at their house. We meandered towards the door and I said bluntly, “Wanna come?” He said sure, and I led the way, chatting with my fellow actors, basically just being WAY too cool for school. He was MY date, I was in charge of what was happening, I was the popular one. “So, we can follow you guys? You know where you’re going?” I called out, before he even offered to drive me. I got in the car without so much as a “so… should I ride with you?” We drove off.

We pulled up at their house, and I led the way in. He was the hanger-on, I was the popular girl. That’s a new dynamic for me. He stuck alongside me through the party. I introduced him to a few people, and I enjoyed the rush of being congratulated and complimented profusely in front of him. It made me feel even more like the star, with a hot boy just tagging along. I also thoroughly enjoyed introducing him to my director, who is a bit of a lech. It made me feel like a grown up to introduce my “date,” total eye-candy, to this guy. It made me feel way too cool for school.

We all decided to head home (last show the next day). We meandered towards the cars, and I stopped at his, saying, “Thank you so much for coming– we’ve got a show tomorrow, so I’ll see you later!” Totally took the “you’re not coming home with me” initiative without even giving him a chance. He reached into his backseat and pulled out 20 bucks and his new CD (he’s a musician for kids) and handed me both. I took the CD but said I didn’t want the 20. He tried to insist, but I grabbed the CD and pulled him into a hug, at which moment I felt his hands on my butt and was really confused but then realized that he was putting the 20 in my back pocket.

I pulled away from the hug a bit flustered and he said, “I wasn’t grabbing your butt…” and I interrupted with a self-satisfied grin, “Uh, well, you were, but okay, sure,” as M screamed out of the car “You SHOULD try to grab her butt!!” Then we had a chaste farewell hug and I got into M’s car.

She was convinced he liked me, based on the way he was looking at me when I was talking, the fact that he came all the way out, etc. But.

He didn’t gush over me. I want to be gushed over.

He didn’t make a point of making me feel like the most important part of the evening. Which I was.

He told two very self-centered stories about himself. And had not much to say to me.

He talked about my ex-boyfriend. AGAIN. This is his running theme.

I’m not gonna do it. I acted like a self-assured, self-possessed, self-confident woman Saturday night. I let myself be the star, and let him exist in the glow of my light. I deserve that sometimes. And I deserve someone who wants to make me even brighter. He’s not ready to do that. He likely won’t ever be. So that’s that. And I don’t feel sad at all.

“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.” ― Betty Friedan

 

Salt Water and Sunlight

Today was dry tech, when the director, designers, and crew sit down and basically map out what will happen with tech during tech (tech being the process when all the technical elements come together– light, sound, costumes, etc– and we slowly work through all of the moments when technical elements are used so that the show will flow smoothly) (how many times can I say tech) (tech tech tech tech).

Actors aren’t called for dry tech, so we got an extra day off. Last night, we all got plastered, ate burgers, and acted like loving, crazy fools. I have to tell you guys… I don’t know how I got so lucky with these people. Honestly. I feel more comfortable and engaged by these folks I’ve known for less than three weeks than some people I’ve known for months. I can’t explain it, and this kind of thing never happens, but there we are. We ladies spent a long time on the deck last night talking about my love life. Both of the other actresses in the show are happily married, and are 36 and 44 years old. They gave me advice on aaaalllll the assholes who have treated me like shit or led me on or confused me or have done any other things that are stupid and childish and they reassured me.

“Look into my eyes,” M told me many times last night. “You are special. I know you don’t believe that right now, but you are. These boys are babies. You are an old soul. You need a man.” M also brought up the girl who’d done all three readings previously for this role. We’ve talked about her as a group before, as she seems to be very nice and I’m still kind of shocked I booked the job over her, but M told me the nicest thing about it yet. Not only did the previous girl look and seem a bit too old, but “she’s really good and has a good career, but straight up, you blew her out of the water.” A very good thing about being the baby with a bunch of grown-ups who don’t have babies of their own except their careers is that you can be their baby project. And they are taking care of me in every way. I am loving every moment of care they give, every compliment, every advice session, every everything. I am so, so lucky.

Today, I woke up late, still full from last night’s late night snacking, but actually less hung over than I probably should have been. I showered, went downstairs, journaled, ate some breakfast, chatted with folks. We decided we wanted to do beach and a movie. Around 11/12, we headed out for the beach. I wore exercise shorts and a sheer tank over my bikini. I have to say, I did feel fat and bloated. I’ve been having problems with constipation and bloating (more so that usual lately), so of course I felt totally swollen and squishy and round. The night before we’d tried on our opening night dresses, and although I was thrilled to find that morning that I fit into the dress from high school that I brought, when I tried it on again, it wouldn’t zip over my boobs. I was so disappointed, and despite the other ladies’ help, we couldn’t get it. Really embarrassing. However, they made it so much better by pulling another dress from my dresser and saying, “what’s this?” It was my purple silk shirtdress, one of the few items of clothing I bought while shopping alone. i put it on, and they drooled. That’s gonna be the one.

So I sucked it up (literally and figuratively), and just said “fuck it.” At some point, that’s all I can do. That’s been a healthy thing for me to have to deal with so far in this summer adventure– time moves quickly, and I can’t always get myself perfect before the “deadline.” I have to find a way to be okay with how I am.

Immediately, I ran down to the water. M and T went for a walk together, L went off to run lines, and C sat down on one of our three beach chairs to read the Daily News. The water was coldish, but the air was warm enough (mid 70s), and somehow I didn’t even get a chill as I plowed in. The current was STRONG, and the waves were big. I got into a rhythm eventually of swimming for a few seconds, leaping to crest a wave as it came, and then digging my feet into the sand to keep myself from getting pulled. It was not a relaxing swim, per se, but tasting the saltwater in my mouth and feeling the eddy’s around my legs and arms felt like coming home. I was meant to be in the ocean. I was meant to be in water.

After a bit, I saw a neon green thing bobbing about 8 feet away from where I was swimming. At first I thought it was a snorkel, but it was being washed over. I swam towards it and found a huge fishing lure. I grabbed it and swam to shore. It’s now hanging in my room. It’s my first souvenir, and it feels like a special relic from the sea.

I spent the rest of the time sitting on a beach chair, feet buried in the sand, with a towel wrapped around my middle, reading. C sat reading too for a bit, then went for a walk. A joined me for some time, as did T. three chairs, and five people, but we figured it out. Suddenly, I heard A scream.”Dolphins!” I immediately thought she was making it up. There are no dolphins on the Jersey Shore. But as I followed her pointing finger, I saw a shiny, silver bullet curve out of the water, a fin slicing the air. There were dolphins. A and I ran down the beach, following the two or three dolphins as they skimmed the surface. Eventually we stopped, unable to keep up with their pace. Amazing.

We loaded back up and headed to the house for a lunch of leftovers– pasta salad, veggies and dip, a portabello from the grill last night, mozzarella and bread. We decided over the meal that we’d plan to shower, get ourselves together, throw some towels in the wash, and then head to the Monmouth Mall to see Prometheus at 5:15. i took a quick shower (though I do miss the salty taste my hair) and gathered my towels for the wash. Scrubbed clean and dressed, we headed to the movies.

Prometheus was fun. I sometimes like movies like that, and I particularly like them when I watch them with others. There was a pretty horrifying abortion/c-section/alien birth segment that made all three of us ladies cringe and squeal at each other. It was A LOT. After the movie, T went to the bookstore (he bought a graphic novel called Blanket that he’ll lend to me when he’s done), C went to buy a blazer from the Gap, and we ladies headed to Macy’s to find M some white thongs for under her white jeans (a costume piece). It was fun to wander the lingerie store with two older ladies.

We made a pitstop at ShopRite on the way home, and made a big salad, mozzarella, roasted chicken (eggs for me), and watermelon for a light dinner. M and I had gin and tonics. Now, they are running lines in M and T’s bedroom (did I mention they were married? and my favorites and exactly what I hope married life could be?), but I’m not. I mentioned today that sometimes for me, I have to really take my day off in order to come back to a rehearsal refreshed. If I pound it in too hard, I’ll just fuck up. And without even making a deal of it at all, they got to running lines and had someone read mine. “You take your day off, baby,” M said. What kind of kindness is that? To listen to someone say what they needed, to trust that that is what they needed, and then to honor it without question or judgment?How did I get so lucky?!

Tech starts tomorrow. Big, big week. Opening Thursday. I can’t wait. It’s coming.

Love from Dirty Jerz.

A M-F Play

So far, so good. In all senses of that word.

We got to NJ, and after dropping our things off at the house, headed to rehearsal. It was a bit off, since we didn’t know what we were working on so we were a bit out of sorts, and because we were legit ON THE STAGE. The set is basically done, y’all. The trailer park is built and we just had to fit into it.

After rehearsal, we carpooled back to our mansion for a couple of hours of down time. The bedroom I willingly took is the smallest– a dorm room sized square with a twin bed, a dresser, and a tiny TV on a tiny table. I am the baby, so I took the baby room. M joked as we were scurrying around the house that it was the “Anne Frank Room,” due to its proximity to a set of secret stairs (the maid’s stairs). It’s perfect for me– right by the bathroom, private, but right by the staircase so I will be able to hear when everyone’s up (i.e. no awkward mornings). We ran lines and goofed off a bit until it was time to head out for dinner.

The dinner place was chosen by the theatre’s artistic directors, and per expected, was a BYOB Italian place in a strip mall. They had brought two bottles of merlot, and the rest of the cast brought prosecco and two bottles of malbec. I think you can get a good sense of a cast by how they bond over cheap, filling food and alcohol, and this cast was AMAZING. Seriously. It felt like college– that easy, softly wine-drunk goofiness where everyone was dropping in and out of conversations and genial and funny and kind and seemed like they knew each other. Even the artistic directors, one of whom I had a couple of phone/email convos with and one who I’d only met on contract day, treated us like part of the family. I do, I do, I do, I love these people.

I ate a solid half of my unhealthy dinner of whole wheat linguine and what I thought would be veggies, but instead were fried asparagus and artichoke. I COULD have ordered a salad, but. I didn’t. I’m glad I didn’t. I don’t want to be that girl. M suggested running and yoga, which I am totally up for any day (except tomorrow since I am basically ALREADY asleep), but I’m not going to be the asshole who orders a salad at a Jersey Italian restaurant. NO.

we made it home to the mansion after a quick trip to Shoprite, where M gave out a bunch of our beautiful postcards and we bought breakfast food. I am GREAT at being flexible. Even deep in my ED, I could find something to turn into food, some way to compensate for un-ideal food situations that I needed to be socially present for. I starved at home, in my morning cereal bowl, but I ate whole meals when I went out with friends. I drank gin and tonics and wine on a empty stomach, but if someone was eating and offered it, I’d eat mozzarella sticks. Perhaps it meant I wouldn’t eat breakfast the next day, but my social responsibilities took precedent over my disorder at times. This… this is winning for me here. I do what they do, and they are pretty healthy but also completely non-judgemental. I got really fucking lucky.

I have GOT to sleep now. I’m also going to try to write journal entries hard copy this summer, as I got a new journal. It worked really well over the summer a few years ago, and much of it I might transcribe, but I’m going to (after this) likely make that my default journal. Just ’cause.

I miss my sweet kitty.
I miss my cozy apartment and my own schedule.
But I love these crazy hookers in this crazy Buffalo Bill mansion in this crazy Jersey Town.

Let’s do a motherfucking play.