Here’s a list of things I’m feeling.

  1. Trapped in the inevitability of what’s about to happen on Friday.
  2. Ashamed, thinking that I need to do more.
  3. Abandoned by those who are able to attend the March in Washington.
  4. Scared that I’ll be too scared to march in NYC.
  5. Governed by social anxiety of the magnitude I haven’t experienced in years.
  6. Proud to be escorting on Saturday morning.
  7. Grateful to have somewhere to be on Friday night, with like-minded, revolution-minded friends.
  8. Thrilled to be doing a play that actually fucking matters.
  9. Depressed and alone, on the couch, unable to work or think.
  10. Stuck in a spiral of news that makes my heart and head hurt.
  11. Immobilized.

Every day is grapefruit day.

Today I close another show. This is how this career is… you’re deep in it, totally invested, your whole day leads up to those few hours at the theatre…

And then suddenly it’s over, and you’re unemployed, and you may never seen your castmates, who have become your family, again, or at least for a long while.

It’s a somber moment, and I’m feeling a bit somber today.

Last night, I went up on an entire speech– I froze onstage and literally couldn’t form words; didn’t know where I was– and it really shook me. It was fine, but awful. I forgive myself, because it wasn’t my fault– I know the speech front and back, I was focused and paying attention– I just short-circuited.

That, compounded with the closing of the show, is making today tough. The rain doesn’t help (thanks NYC).

This was so wonderful.

  • We were a New York Times Critics Pick.
  • We got amazing reviews (my work was mentioned)
  • My parents got to see it
  • I got to do Shakespeare!
  • I made some amazing friends and met some remarkable people
  • I got to work off-Broadway, which is a gift in and of itself.

But more is to come, I know. Including a weeklong vacation in July.

And really, you can’t top what we did at the end of our performance on Friday, June 26. The day was already so joyous. Then we did this, and it was the best curtain call ever:

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My Year in Numbers

1     friend I lost

1     job I lost

2     jobs I got

3    plays I did

6    friends of mine who got engaged

10     places I visited

Idaho, Connecticut, Philadelphia, Waynesboro, PA, London, Scotland, Amsterdam, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maine

25    days it took to find an apartment in NYC

26    plays I saw (in NYC and London only)

A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder, Beautiful: The Carole King Musical, Mothers and Sons, Richard III, Big Fish, Murder for Two, The Oldest Boy, Our Lady of Kibeho, A Delicate Balance, Lips Together Teeth Apart, Sex with Strangers, The Village Bike, Hand to God, Your Mother’s Copy of the Kama Sutra, The Happiest Song Plays Last, Under My Skin, Sweeney Todd (NY Philharmonic), Fast Company, The Substance of Fire, The Killer, Cinderella, Mala Hierba, American Hero, Hotel, Bring up the Bodies, Showboat (NY Philharmonic), You Got Older

34    blogs I posted

Better than I thought, actually.

73    books I read

My favorites: The Invisible Front, The Circle, NOS4A2, A Tale for the Time Being, Into the Darkest Corner, Dept of Speculation, Tenth of December

365   days I got up in the morning and went to bed and night and existed on this earth.

Dear Annelle…

I underestimated you.

I think we all did.DSlcX.AuSt.36

But, like you did after that nasty thing with Bunkie Dupuy, you bucked up and faced the man. You may have stumbled and fumbled your way there, but you got there. We’ve been lots of places together, and I think it’s safe to say that I love you. I love your clumsiness, I love your conviction, I love that you’re quick to love. I love your hair when it’s good, and your hair when it’s REALLY not good. I love that you are just… well… you.10678660_10152694594135833_6475396379663879078_n

Some of the things we’ve seen together:

–packs of coyotes howling from less than 500 feet away

–spiders taking up residence in your curler drawer

–holding for an audience’s medical emergency on opening night, right in the middle of doing M’Lynn’s hair

–a sagging pregnancy leotard (don’t ask)

–so many bugs it’s impossible to comprehend10628582_10152694593610833_6605070146464692797_n

Don’t let anyone reduce you to a stereotype. Keep changing, and keep taking risks. Keep letting love win, and keep giving of yourself. No one puts baby in the corner. Thanks for letting me hang out with you for a couple months. I’mma miss you.isXPQ.AuSt.36

We close on Sunday, and my gratitude knows know bounds.

I

Speaking of what I was just writing about:

One of my friends (a male) wrote this hilarious/tragic thing. Link here: https://medium.com/p/f919637ff615

CASTING BREAKDOWN FOR NEW STUDIO FILM

Seeking actors for the following roles in our upcoming studio film.

LINDSAY

Lindsay is the kind of girl you fall in love with immediately. She’s down-to-earth, fun-loving, just one of the guys. She’s also a girl’s girl, with close girl friends.

She doesn’t ever look like she’s trying too hard, except when she is, and then she’s the most gorgeous girl on the planet — perfect figure, smoldering eyes, flawless skin — you just can’t take your eyes off her. She’s got to be that kind of sexy that knocks you off your feet and sends your heart racing, but also that girl-next-door, completely approachable in every way kind of sexy.

You know Cameron Diaz? She’s Cameron Diaz meets Sandra Bullock meets Emma Stone meets that girl from the new car explosion movie whose name we forget. She is fragile, and strong. Hilarious, but dramatically powerful. A real goofball. But hot. A hot-ball, if that makes any sense. She’s rock solid, but gooey, like a warm cookie (Hot, basically.)

You can tell just by looking at Lindsay that she is withholding a fatal secret that could destroy the world. But when she’s thinking about the secret she’s got to look smoldering. Think Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct meets Joan of Arc in life? Actresses must be comfortable with partial nudity and someone repeatedly poking them in the side of the face with a small rod, as this is an INTEGRAL part of the film. Please only submit actresses who can handle an intense workout regimen and diet. Also the rod.

Lindsay is a party animal and loves drinking and dancing all night long at the club, then going home and curling up with a cup of tea and a great romance novel. By day she’s a librarian at the local town library, by midday she’s a serial killer, by night she’s a college professor, but always hot, hot, hot. That never stops.

She owns a suit and wears a size 8 shoe, but never wears socks. How many pairs of Crocs does she own? None. No pairs. Actresses wearing Crocs in the audition will be thrown out of the room.

She has 26 freckles and many of the characters address her freckle-count at different times in the film, so please only submit actresses with this many freckles. Also Lindsay’s bones are brittle, so if we were playing Lindsay, we’d avoid Calcium on the week before reading for this part.

When Lindsay walks, she swings her left arm kind of like this. Can you see what I’m doing right now? That’s what Lindsay needs to walk like. She needs to be able to cover the entire spectrum of emotion — from “crazy” to “cool” and then from “hot” to “less hot” but then back to “hot” again.

The actress needs to be 5 foot 4 with orange-ish hair and C-cup breasts.

MAX

Max is a slacker with a heart of gold who lives with his parents. A Seth Rogen type.

This is why we shouldn’t be allowed to have nice things.

Just some of the roles listed for self-submissions just TODAY on Actors Access. This is the MAIN website for casting calls, used by all licensed agents and CDs (all Broadway shows, TV shows, films, etc, use this site), so this isn’t like a trashy website for bullshit casting calls. These are taken from just the first page of results for a woman my age.

I’m curious what your reaction, non-acting-industry-people, are to this casting calls. Are you shocked? No? Do you find them strange? I’m so used to them by now that it’s hard to gauge my actual reaction.

BALLERINA/MODEL ]
LOOKING FOR VERY, VERY, VERY SKINNY GIRLS!!!! Casting Women 18 and older. I am looking for a very, very, very skinny girl to play an anorexic ring girl. This is a VERY important character!!!! You would be playing a ring girl in a boxing ring, you will be wearing a bikini carrying a piece of cardboard with the number 8 on it. you will have special effects makeup to make you look skeletal. And there is a part where young boys will be throwing food at you.

NUDE BEAUTY ]
Beautiful, caucasian girl who will be rapping the lyrics to camera. She is the main focus of the video.  My goal is to create one of the most disturbing and unsettling music videos ever.

[ROLE 3 ]
Caucasian Female, age 18 – 25.  Hot looking model/ actor with a good body and looks that can make her stand apart from a crowd.  Lead

OLIVIA ]
(22-25) She is a very average looking girl, who wears no makeup. Being with Sebastian makes things much easier in that regard. She wants to be viewed as independent, but cannot bare the thought of being rejected. She always feels guilty around her mum – for having abandoned her -, and strives to make her dad feel proud….FEMALE… LEAD…CAUCASAIN OR LATINA….

2 GIRL FRIENDS ]
Age Range: 24 to 30. Latin American, Caucasian (European or American) Female Models. Very beautiful high end looking model types. Because they are the 2 best friends of our lead girl who is playing a high end model. Skinny. CAN YOU SUBMIT BODY SHOTS AS WELL. Picture Submission Only

LEAD GIRL ]
age range 18-25, any ethnicity and body type, a natural beauty who is also very sexy. This girl must be very cool and down to earth but also very hot and sexy.

GIRL ]
Caucasian, 18-25, Perfect, bad girl, beautiful, dangerous, but also “a vision of perfection” so angelic with a bad streak.

Sadie Sadie Workin’ Lady

Today has been quite something at work. Usually it’s pretty relaxed– at most, one crisis per day. Today? Not so much. My brain hurts.

It also got me thinking about how hard I work. An actor I did the most recent show with posted today on Facebook about how he is stuck in Puerto Rico, where he’s been on vacation. Lots of whining. And I’m thinking: a) I couldn’t possibly afford to go to Puerto Rico! and b) I don’t have the TIME to go to Puerto Rico! and C) if I WERE in Puerto Rico, I would not be complaining about having to be there for a bit longer. And CERTAINLY not on Facebook.

Which got me thinking about the number of hours I dedicate to work. So. Calculations:

20hrs/week at my office job.
I do about 3 hours of VO session stuff maybe 6 days a week. So, 18hr/week.
I take an on-camera class for 3 hours each week.
I audition usually once or twice a week. On average, with getting ready, transit, waiting, prep, that’s about 8hrs/week.
My daily commute is at least 45min each way, and that’s if I’m going to work and then going home, which I do about twice a week. Other times, I commute much more. But as far as basic commute, 40 min each way 5 days a week, that’s about 7hrs/week.
I see a lot of shows, which can count as work. Show, plus commute, about three times a week is about 12hrs/week.
There are 168 hours in one week, minus about 48 hours of sleeping (I get about 7hrs/night). How do I spend my days?

So. Here’s the breakdown:

Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 4.47.54 PM

With 120 possible hours per week to do as I please, 68 of those are NON-NEGOTIABLE job requirements. That gives me 52 hours/week of free time. Which I guess isn’t bad, except I’m counting all 7 days of the week. Eek.

I always tell my mentees that in order to truly recover, you have to give yourself lots of free time. I did that when I was deep in my recovery, but it’s an important reminder to really look at when I can cut myself slack and take a BREAK. I deserve that. Since, y’know, I don’t get holidays…

xoxo to all, and be KIND to yourselves!!

A Beautiful Ending

So, yesterday afternoon, another show came to a close.

I don’t feel let down, and I don’t feel sad. That said, I am really pleased with the whole thing.

It’s rare to walk into an audition totally cold, do sides in front of a stranger, have them ask you back a few days later, do more sides, and then get cast in a role. Especially coming off of four years of school (albeit four years… two years ago). Usually you know the director, so you get an audition. You have an “in.” But this? I walked in in February with a bad Belgian accent and walked out in March with a great one.

I did get my good notices, by the way– including something from the New York Times that I can pull. Audiences genuinely liked it, and I felt good about my work. Not 100% all the time good, like it was easy (which sometimes it is), but a solid-member-of-an-ensemble kind of good, where I feel like I’m doing my job up to snuff.

Yesterday afternoon, after the show, as on all previous Sunday afternoons, we had a talkback. Usually folks who stick around say things like, “Well, who really WAS the hero?” — it’s a play called THE HERO– and “I think the ending was too pat and easy,” and “I think it was a feminist play and reminded me of Ibsen.” So we had our share of those, and when the director called for the last comment, a man in the back row raised his hand and began to speak.

I just got off a plane from Europe yesterday, and I had a choice. I could go see my friends (Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart) close their show WAITING FOR GODOT this afternoon, or I could have come to see you. I am so very glad I chose to come here. The performances were beautifully rendered and the play was astounding. You have a wonderful little theatre here, and I am so grateful to you for producing such fine work.”

We all laughed and gasped– Sir Ian and Sir Patrick’s friend!– but then, with some hugs, all went our own ways into the rain. I chalked it up to a wonderful final moment of a wonderful run.

It turns out, the man was Vernon Dobtcheff, so literally SIR IAN’S FRIEND and a talented actor in his own right across the pond. Not only did he come see our little show, but he stayed for the talkback, and he shared his experience. What a remarkable, magical moment. I couldn’t be more grateful.

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From Rupert Everett’s memoir:

Screen Shot 2014-03-31 at 3.19.39 PM

Flying High

It’s crazy.

When I’m having a good week, it’s as if those other times don’t matter. How could I possibly go through life and feel like I’m worthless?! I’m in a show the NYTimes loved! I’m doing a workshop with amazing artists at a great theatre and on a play I love! I live with a cat and a boy I love! I have successfully started a successful career as an audiobook narrator for books I love!

Those other weeks exist. I have to remind myself of that. I have to keep grounded in the work while enjoying the joy. Especially with my mentees. Even when I’m flying high and busy living in this perfect storm of opportunity, they may be struggling, and I need to be there for them as much as when I’m hurting myself, too. It’s a two way street.

But that’s not to say I’m coming down from the high of feeling good. I am relishing it and milking it with all I have.

This isn’t every week. So this week, I’m going to devour it.

Love to all y’all.

P.S. Just learned that my boyfriend’s ex just got engaged to her boyfriend. I don’t understand these feelings. I am so confused. asdlfa;sghlsdkgjjfsdfal;sdkfjoiasfdasg

Homecoming

For all my “feeling good” posts of the last few days… i’m having a problem.I get home from tech & rehearsals late — between 9pm (if I’m lucky) and 10:30pm. I have been at work since usually 11am, packed lunch, had snacks like a Larabar, apple, latte, and whatever generally unhealthy food there is at the theatre.

I know I need to eat when I get home.

The problem is I OVEReat.

I know that being hungry is triggering for me, plus it’s my only time alone ALL DAY (I love A, but seriously, I NEVER have the apartment to myself, which drives me NUTTY), which is also triggering. I’m trying to come up with a way to make it less hard to eat enough and healthily.

Ideas?