All of a Sudden

This morning in the laundry room with A, I felt a stickiness in my pajama pants. I surreptitiously glanced down, and I saw a dark splotch in the crotch of my pants. I was bleeding.

I put on a face and we came upstairs, where I went to the bathroom. Yep, dried blood around the top of my thighs, in my PJ pants, and all up in there. I washed the pants the best I could, turned on the shower, and came out of the bathroom.

“I’m bleeding again,” I told A. His face softened, and he looked at me. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I said, “Just annoyed. I don’t know why this keeps happening, because I’m not on my period. It’s really frustrating.”

And then I was in a bad mood. A quiet morning turned more quiet because I didn’t want to talk. Because I felt upset for some reason.

Why did this happen? Why did I suddenly feel sad and angry and quiet? Yes, irregular bleeding is annoying and irritating and brings up all kinds of feelings about my body… but that’s not the only reason. Stress? Overwhelmedness? Fear? Transition? I don’t know. All of these things and more, I’m sure.

There’s something great about the fact that I can say, “Why all of a sudden am I in a bad mood?” to my boy. But I wish I didn’t have the thing where all of a sudden I was in a bad mood, you know?

Have a headache.
Am stressed about food.
Too much prep for auditions.
Work work work.
Responsibilities and rehearsals and meetings and readings.
MOVING.

My brain is in eighteen different places at once. And I need to just find some stability. And I don’t have it right now.